


Wait For Me

by bilgegungoren00



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/M, Moving On, post 2x22, prepare for angst, this will be bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-03 09:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11529075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bilgegungoren00/pseuds/bilgegungoren00
Summary: It's been five months since the Daxamites invaded earth, five months since Kara was forced to use the lead device to get rid of them, five months she had to say goodbye to her boyfriend Mon-El...and she isn't even close to moving on. Yet she's determined to get herself out of the sadness she is feeling, so to at least try to forget about Mon-El, she says yes when her new coworker, Darryl Rose, asks her on a date. She knows that it's the first step at moving on.Yet what she doesn't know is that one day the person she'd been attempting to forget, the person she still very much loves with all of her heart despite being together with someone for over a month, will come back at the worst moment possible, messing up all her attempts to move on.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all!
> 
> Okay, so, I had this idea saved in my ideas list for such a long time that I don't remember how long it has been, but I've been meaning to write it for a long time, so I guess this was as good a time as any. I'm really excited for this story and where it will go, because it'll be filled with angst and funny moments and jokes and lots and lots of feelings all jumbled up together, so I hope you like this :)
> 
> Also, this was requested by an anon on Tumblr, so all the credits for this brilliant idea goes to them. I hope you read it and like it too anon :)

**_14 th of September, 2016_ **

“Hey, Mon-El,” Kara chirped, trying to sound as cheerful as possible, shifting positions on the couch and resting her head against her pillow as she laid down under a blanket and put the recording device on her lap. “Today is…” She stopped for a second to check the date on her phone. “14th of September. Which means that it’s been three months and twenty three days since…since you left.” Her voice trailed off at that, starting to shake, and she had to clear her throat and straighten up to keep herself from breaking down. _It’s been almost four months,_ she reminded herself as she pushed her hair away from her face, _and you’ve been recording these voicemails every single day for about two months. You should’ve gotten used to this by now._

Yet even thinking that wasn’t enough for her to get rid of the knot in her throat. And she knew, no matter how much time would pass since she’d lost Mon-El… She’d never get used to his absence. Ever.

She had to blink to get rid of the tears in her eyes as she continued.

“I’m fine, if you’re wondering,” she said, just as she did each time she recorded these. _I’m_ _fine_. What a lie that was. Yes, there were moments she felt fine, like she was at CatCo or out Supergirl-ing, but whenever she was home…whenever she sat on the couch…whenever she lied down on her bed…she was reminded all over again of what she’d lost, and she wasn’t fine. Not even close.

Yet she knew that wasn’t what Mon-El needed to hear.

Even though, if she thought about it, he’d never hear these anyway. Not that she ever kid herself into believing that. Not even when she first bought that recording device, not when she recorded her first voicemail that ended with her in tears, pleading for him to come back, not even—

It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t hear them…and that wasn’t why she was recording these anyway. It just… Talking to him, or at least pretending to be talking to him… It made her feel close to him. At least in some way. And she…she wanted to feel close to him. If talking to a recording device about her day and pretending she was talking to him would do that, then she’d do it. It was better than nothing.

It was better than the utter depression and hollowness she’d plunged into during the first few weeks of losing him.

She shook away her thoughts as she forced herself to continue. “I’m not happy, I… I haven’t gotten there yet, but at least…at least I feel like I can go on with my life. I don’t think… I don’t think I can ever find a happiness like what I had with you anyway.” She cleared her throat as she ducked her chin, trying to gather up her thoughts, before her head shot up.

“But I’m trying,” she said almost confidently. “I’m… I’m trying to find that happiness. I…” She stopped, staring at the recording device for a couple of seconds, wondering whether she should say that or not…before thinking _what the hell._ As…guilty and ashamed she couldn’t help feeling about the whole deal, she knew deep in her heart that Mon-El would want her to move on. He’d want her to find love again, even if it couldn’t be with him. So technically…technically she wasn’t betraying him.

Yet she’d probably feel better if there wasn’t a place in her heart reserved for Mon-El and no one else, so she wouldn’t feel like she was cheating on anyone. But there was no way she could tear him away from her. He was a part of her. No matter how painful it felt, he was.

“I have a date with someone,” she blurted out finally, after almost a minute of silence. No matter how much she blinked, tears filled her eyes at that. “His name is… His name is Darryl Rose, and he…he just started working at CatCo a couple of weeks ago. He… He asked me on a date today, and I…I said yes.” She gulped to get rid of the knot in her throat and push away the guilt she was feeling. It didn’t work even one bit.

“He’s a really nice guy,” she tried to explain, as if…as if she needed to justify herself to him. As if she needed to justify her decision, even though a part of her was sure Mon-El would understand and wouldn’t judge, and even…even encourage her. Because… Because that was who Mon-El was. He always looked out for her happiness, no matter what. “He… He brings me coffee in the morning, he’s funny, he…he jokes when he sees that I’m sad, he… He makes me feel a bit better. Not like… Not like when I was with you, not even close, but… It’s better than nothing. Right? He… He doesn’t compare to you, but at least… At least he makes me smile.” She tried to smile at that, but it died very quickly. She shook her head and wiped away her tears furiously.

“And… And me going on a date with him doesn’t also mean that I… I forgot about you, or I’ll forget about you. You should know that. I’ll… Mon-El, I can never forget about you.” She shook her head, running her fingers through her hair. “I can… I can never stop loving you. I _love_ you.” She had to stop when emotions clogged her throat briefly. “But I just… I’m so tired of feeling sad. I’m so tired of missing you, because… Because I miss you so much. I miss you so much that…that it hurts. And I’m just… I’m sick of hurting.” She could almost hear what he’d say to that.

_Then you should be with Darryl._ A smile pulled her lips.

“And I know that…that you’d want me to be with Darryl, if that was what would make me happy. Because you…you always wanted me to be happy. You wouldn’t want me to spend my whole life pining for you and…and feeling sad, no matter how tempting that sounds to me right now.” In fact, she was pretty sure he’d smack her upside down if he ever heard her say that. “You’d… You’d want me to move on and be happy with someone else… So that’s what I’ll try to do. I’ll try to be happy. I can’t… I can’t promise that it will happen, but I’ll try. For you…and myself, I’ll try.” She forced a smile at the recording device as she picked it up, wiping another tear that managed to escape her eyes.

“I love you, Mon-El,” she whispered, “and I still miss you. So much. I miss you.” And then, after a couple of seconds she pressed the end button and put the device on top of the coffee table. Yet still, silent tears continued to stream down her face as she curled under the blanket on the couch, clutching the plaid shirt she was wearing even though it didn’t even smell like him anymore, trying desperately to ignore the ache in her chest.


	2. Forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Okay, so, I actually wasn't planning on publishing this chapter this early, but because of the absolutely horrible weather here my internship was cancelled, and I also HATED the idea of the first THREE FICS in Karamel tag being Supercorp related, so yeah, I had to post it. But that said, I wrote this chapter at about 1 a.m. really, really quickly, so if it sounds like a jumbled mess I just wanna apologize beforehand :) I'm gonna edit it more thoroughly and post the edited version later if needed.
> 
> I hope you like this!

**_29 th of October, 2016_ **

Kara had just tucked her phone in her pants’ pocket, her mind focused on the story she was supposed to finish for Friday, when she heard someone clear their throat behind her cubicle. Her mind so wrapped around her thoughts that she didn’t even hear him approach with her superhearing. She spun around, coming face to face with no other than Darryl.

He had a huge grin on his face when their gazes met. “Hi,” he greeted her, and despite herself and her nerves that seemed to be strained for no reason since the morning, Kara found herself smiling. She reached up to press a small kiss on Darryl’s lips, making sure she had good grip on her superstrength, when he leaned down. Her smile had widened when she pulled back.

“Well, you are right on time for our date,” she said as she threw her purse over her shoulder, zipping it up. Darryl nodded proudly.

“Yep, I know,” he mused as he watched her walk around her desk. “I was waiting right outside the reporting division to be right on time.” That earned him an unamused glare from Kara, which he just shrugged it off. “What, I just wanted to impress my girlfriend.”

“We’ve been dating for over a month, Darryl,” Kara said at that with a laugh, not forgetting to roll her eyes at the process as she slipped her arm through his, leading him to the elevators. “I think we’re past the point of trying to impress each other.” Darryl just snorted at that as he pressed on the elevator button.

“Well, Kara Danvers,” he started, nudging her with his elbow—at least Kara assumed that he’d nudged her from the way he moved, even though she couldn’t feel it—“You’re so special. I’ll always try to impress you.”

Normally something like that would’ve made Kara laugh and blush, normally she’d be nudging her boyfriend at that too, but choice of words… Her face only fell at that as another voice filled her mind, a voice she still kept hearing in her dreams no matter she tried to stop herself, a voice she hadn’t forgotten and didn’t think she’d ever be able to forget, telling him the exact words.

_And I love you._ The voice rang in Kara’s ears no matter how much she tried to stop it. _With everything that I have, I… I love you._ And suddenly, it wasn’t Darryl standing in front of her, but it was _him_ in a striped sweater and his eyes shining with a bright shade of a mix of grey-blue with his unshed tears. Just as she remembered. Just as she’d never forgotten. The eyes that she loved too, with everything that she had. _You’re so special._

“Kara?” She only managed to shake away her thoughts with Darryl’s words, and then the image of _him_ disappeared from in front of her eyes to reveal Darryl, who was looking at her with furrowed brows. “Are you okay? You just zoned out right there.” He gestured at her face in a really awkward way before he cleared his throat, and Kara truly hoped that the smile she plastered on her face didn’t look as fake as it felt.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she lied, even though _fine_ would be the last word she would use to describe herself. “I just… I was just…thinking about something. That’s all.” Darryl didn’t seem like he believed her as he arched his brow, and she cursed at herself once again that she was such a terrible liar, before the ding coming from the elevator interrupted them. She’d never been happier to hear a sound. “The elevator!” she exclaimed to change the subject, pulling Darryl inside a bit more harshly than she intended to keep him from questioning her further. Yet she also couldn’t stop herself from muttering a curse under her breath at herself for letting _him_ get to her again, letting _him_ almost ruin yet another moment. She hated that she still couldn’t get him out of her head, even though more than five months had passed since his departure.

But she most of all hated how _frequently_ he seemed to be interrupting her thoughts that day. It’d started in the morning when she woke up and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for herself, and somehow she’d accidentally grabbed the yellow and white striped apron from the rack that _he_ always wore instead of her orange one. Which of course put her in such a bad mood that she had to buy a sandwich on her way out, even the thought of cooking enough to make her sick.

She wished it had ended at that, but of course not, because apparently Rao wanted to torture her today. Because when she got to CatCo, she’d found flowers sitting atop her desk—white lilies. Her favorite. Just like he’d once sent her merely _days_ before the Daxamite invasion, with a card on it. _I know you’ve been stressed out for the last couple of days, so I hope these bring a smile on your face._ And they had brought a smile, a huge one, on her face that day. Today, though… She’d barely stopped herself from flinging the flowers out the window, reminding herself that they were from Darryl, they were from _her boyfriend,_ and he was just trying to make her happy. Yet still, when even the idea of looking at the flowers sickened her, she had to fly it to the DEO and give them to Alex to do whatever she wanted with them.

And then at the lunchtime, a time she was planned to spend buried in writing her article since she so did not want another reminder of _him_ , since they frequently met at her lunch breaks, when the smell of potstickers filled her nose. And despite knowing it couldn’t be _him_ , that he was gone and was never coming back… She couldn’t help it as her head snapped up expectantly, an instinct ingrained in her waiting to see him show up at the reporting division with a package of potstickers in his hand, his glasses up his nose, and a grin adorning his face. Only to see no other than two reporters come in with that package. Tears welled up in her eyes so quickly at that that she had to rush to the bathroom to pull herself together and not ruin her mascara. She _needed_ that mascara after an absolutely sleepless night.

And it’d happened all over again now. It seemed like everything had aligned to remind her of _him_ today like it’d never happened in a long time, not after the first month he was gone. She usually managed to keep away from the reminders of him, there were even times she hadn’t had a thought about him for a couple of days—except the voice recordings she did every day—yet now… Now all of those efforts seemed to be for nothing. Now it seemed like she _couldn’t just forget him._

She forced herself to push out those thoughts when the elevator doors closed, reminding herself that she was on a date, with someone amazing and awesome like Darryl who somehow managed to be the first one to make her smile in a time she thought it was impossible to smile, and even though her feelings for him hadn’t gone farther than friendship and certainly didn’t near her feelings for another certain someone, Darryl did make her happy and she’d be damned if she wouldn’t hold onto that. Besides, in time, she was truly hoping she’d be able to move on completely and maybe—just maybe—fall in love with Darryl, find something that made her as happy as _he_ once did.

That sounded too hopeful and optimistic even to her.

“Kara, you sure you’re okay?” She was, once again, taken out of her thoughts with Darryl’s words. His brows were raised in concern as he leaned forward to look at her, and she had no choice to laugh that sounded too much like a scoff.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m just…a bit stressed.” She hoped her lie wasn’t too see-through. “Snapper had me working on this article, and he says I have just two days to finish it, and it’s really long and detailed and requires a lot of research… It’s just been weighing on me.” Fortunately, this time instead of questioning her, Darryl had seemed to believe her lie. Well, granted, she _was_ being honest when she said the article Snapper assigned her stressed her out, but _more_ honestly, that stress was _nothing_ compared to remembering _him._

Still, she couldn’t help feeling glad that, instead of questioning her further, Darryl just rubbed her back and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “Sorry about that,” he mumbled in her ear reassuringly, and she pushed away all the thoughts in her mind about how she wished it was _him_ with her, it was _him_ reassuring her, just as he once did when she lost her job.

_You have so much to offer this world,_ he’d told her, knelt in front of her, his hand rubbing her knee absentmindedly as if some instinct in him told him that she needed it. _So don’t let Snapper and anyone else tell you differently._

She quickly snapped out of the memory as she forced herself to focus back on Darryl. Seriously, what had gotten into her today? Okay, there had been days in which she’d absolutely felt _awful,_ but it had never been like this. It had never gone this bad in the last couple of weeks. It shouldn’t go bad now, not when she was on a damn _date!_

She forced herself to shrug as an answer to Darryl’s words as the elevator doors finally opened and they threw themselves out. A bit of fresh air. Yes. That was what she needed.

“It’s okay, I can handle it,” she told him regarding her article, hoping the feeling of the sun on her skin and wind on her face would be enough to clear her head. “It’s not like I—“ she continued…at least until she was interrupted by her phone vibrating in her pocket.

It seemed like the universe was adamant to interrupt her that day.

She sighed with frustration as she took the device out. “Sorry, this could be important,” she mumbled, especially since the ringing was her sister’s, as she answered and brought it to her phone. It was very likely that she’d have to cut the date short before it started, and she hated a part of her that felt _relieved_ by that notion when she should be _excited_ about the date. Perfect opportunity to distract her from her thoughts.

But anyway, she knew Darryl wouldn’t hold it against her if she did have to leave, which was nice since he didn’t know she was Supergirl. He didn’t even know that she was an alien, which she planned on keeping from him at least for the time being. She refused to admit that it was because telling him meant they were serious, and she didn’t want them to be serious.

“Yes, Alex?” she told the phone, feeling Darryl’s eyes watching her as they stood in front of the CatCo building. Her feet was tapping on the ground impatiently as she waited for her sister to answer and be quick about it…yet the moment she heard the words Alex said, she wished she could unhear them. She wished she never heard them in the first place.

“Kara, he’s back,” Alex gasped almost breathlessly, obviously running around somewhere in the DEO, and Kara felt herself go cold. Because there was only one person Alex would refer as that, there was only one person her sister would be elated to have back. And… And despite dreaming about those words for months, despite wanting that exact thing to happen more than she’d like to admit, now that she actually heard them…now that it became a reality… She truly didn’t know what to do with it. She didn’t know…not as she stood next to her boyfriend…not as she was about to have a date with him. Because as much as he was back…he’d come back in the worst moment possible.

“Mon-El is back,” she heard Alex repeat, though she could barely hear those words as she looked up at Darryl, she could barely even process them. Even as they circled around her mind. _He’s back. He’s back. He’s back._ Until she finally thought about his name, she let herself think about his name for the first time in weeks.

_Mon-El._

* * *

Kara could feel her heart slamming against her ribs as she stood in front of her door, staring at it for what felt like five minutes now, her mind going over the events that had led her here, in front of the same door she went in and went out _every single day…_ with only one difference. Now Mon-El was inside. _He was inside…_ and she was afraid to go in. She was afraid to see him, afraid to find out he was a dream, afraid to hear his voice, afraid to talk to him, afraid that it was just a big fat joke… She was afraid. She didn’t know what exactly she was afraid of, but she was afraid.

When she got the call from Alex… She didn’t know what to think. There was a part of her that had been ecstatic about it, reminding her that Mon-El was back, _Mon-El was back,_ over and over again. Reminding her that she wouldn’t have to feel that hollowness in her chest anymore, she wouldn’t have to feel empty anymore, she wouldn’t have to miss him every single damn day anymore, she wouldn’t have to sleep without him, she wouldn’t have to cook without him, she wouldn’t…

She could be with him.

But that was only one part, that was the part of her that was stupidly, irrevocably in love with him. There was another part, an adult part, a logical part, that reminded her, whenever she thought of Mon-El, that she already had a boyfriend, that she couldn’t up and leave Darryl and jump into a relationship with Mon-El no matter how…unique the situation might be, that it wouldn’t be fair for Darryl. He was… He was such a good guy, and he did actually make her happy, he deserved… He deserved better than that. Far better than that.

Damn, why did Mon-El have to come back just as she was moving on? Why did he have to come back now and not earlier? Later? Why had he even come back?

She immediately shuddered with the last thought and shut it up. No. _No,_ she couldn’t think that. She didn’t even want to consider not ever seeing him again. Because as complicated as everything was about to become right now, as hard as it would be on both her and him, she’d rather have Mon-El here on earth than somewhere else. She’d rather having a part of him than not having him at all. They just…

They would just be through a lot of hard patches until that happened, she could feel.

She closed her eyes and gulped, clenching and unclenching her fists as she tried to gather up her courage to open the door. That was why she’d left Darryl in the middle of the street just like that, right? To see Mon-El? Especially when Alex told her that he was in her loft? Luckily Darryl hadn’t even questioned her when she stammered that it was an emergency and she had to leave, instead just nodding when he must’ve seen how distraught she was. She was sure she could’ve—should’ve—would’ve—come up with a better excuse, but the news had caught her so off guard that she couldn’t even _think,_ let alone actually find a logical explanation as to why she had to go. It was just impossible.

She bit the inside of her cheek harshly, chastising herself for still not entering her loft, chastising herself for leaving Darryl all alone and being a generally horrible girlfriend, chastising herself for not savoring the news that Mon-El was back and _she could be with him,_ no matter what, chastising herself for making all of it all the more complicated with including Darryl into it. If she’d just waited for a couple of months more before starting to move on… This wouldn’t be so hard. She could be happy, so, so happy that Mon-El had returned without worrying about someone else, she could be with him without concerning herself with another, she could love him without an obstacle on the way, she could…

_Damn, Mon-El, why couldn’t you come a couple of weeks earlier?_

Though that wasn’t even the worst part. She could’ve handled it better, probably, if Mon-El had just come back without anything attached to it. But that wasn’t the case, not according to what Alex said. _He’s waiting for you in your loft,_ she’d informed him, the moment Kara managed to pull herself together enough to ask her where he was. _He’s apparently been searching for a cure for his lead allergy for months to come back to you, and now… He just wants to see you._ Alex had sounded so excited about it—so _relieved_. But of course she was. She knew just how much Kara missed Mon-El, how much she loved him. Yes, she knew that her sister was dating Darryl too, but Kara honestly wanted to smack herself in the head for telling her that it was nothing serious, that she wasn’t in love with Darryl, not in the way that she loved Mon-El at least, and she only hoped that she could get there sometime. So she couldn’t really get angry at Alex for being excited for Mon-El’s return. She was just looking out for her baby sister after all.

She just had no idea how this messed up with everything.

Kara tried to shut out those thoughts as she finally managed to gather enough courage to take out her keys and unlock the door, only being successful at the second attempt because of her shaky fingers. She tried to take deep breaths, tried to tell herself that it would be okay, that they would talk it out with Mon-El and he’d understand why he had to move on, _of course_ he’d understand, that was what he always told her in the mental conversations she had with him. _It’s okay to move on and be with someone else, Kara,_ he said. _I’ll never come back. And I don’t want you to spend your entire life pining after me. I want you to be happy._

That was what he’d say, right? At least—

All of those thoughts scattered away from her mind when she pushed the door open and came face to face with a familiar figure standing in the middle of the apartment, facing the door, wearing a…a plaid shirt and jeans. Such a familiar sight that it knocked her breath right out of her lungs, especially when she lifted her head, especially when she met his steel gray eyes. And she couldn’t even think of Darryl as she looked at him, as the reality of the situation finally hit her.

He was back. _He was back._

She only had a second to think that though, the door closing behind her as she absentmindedly let it go, before a smile pulled Mon-El’s lips. A smile that she saw way too often in her dreams. A smile she ached to see every day. A bright, happy smile, something that always brought butterflies to her stomach. A smile that always managed to make her smile too, in a way nothing else made her smile, not even Darryl. Darryl was just a distant thought in her mind now, suppressed by her pounding heart and shortened breath, suppressed beneath the thoughts that screamed at her that her love, her mate, _Mon-El_ was back. He was back, he was with her. He was _back._

“Hey,” he whispered what felt like minutes later, though Kara was sure it had only been seconds, and her breath got caught in her throat again with his voice. Because it was his voice. Real, alive, in person. Not some recording. It was his voice, smooth, silky. And she realized… She realized her memories about his voice hadn’t done it justice to it. Not at all. Not even close. Because it was so beautiful. He was so beautiful, and he was there, and—

She couldn’t even get a moment to think as he closed the small distance between them in two small steps, taking her face in his hands, looking at her with unshed tears in his eyes as if _he_ couldn’t believe that she was there either, before he leaned forward and captured her lips in a kiss. A kiss that shot fire through her veins, a kiss that made her feel alive all over again, a kiss that she’d missed just so much that she hadn’t even realized it until now, and she couldn’t help feeling glad that Mon-El was invincible and she wouldn’t have to control her strength with him, because she wasn’t in a position to control anything at that point. She could barely _think_ as her eyes fluttered close, her shaky fingers finding their way up her chest, wanting him close, needing him close, closer—

_Darryl._ She could barely hear the small voice whispering behind her mind as she balled Mon-El’s shirt inside her fists, pulling him close, sucking on his lower lip as she reveled in the feeling of not having to hold back, reveled at the fact that this was Mon-El she was kissing, and he was back. Yet that voice that came from an honorable, fair, honest place became stronger. _Darryl,_ it whispered again, no matter how much she tried to shut it out, and she would’ve succeeded in that if it hadn’t continued almost immediately. _You’re cheating on Darryl._ And with that, the moment that thought seeped into her mind she felt herself go still, all the logical thoughts that had scattered away once again gathering together as she could finally think. She could finally think, and—

_Oh, Rao._ She _was_ cheating on Darryl. No matter how special this situation was, it didn’t change the fact that she was cheating on Darryl, she was doing the one thing she promised she would never do, one thing she could _never_ forgive if it was done to her. So as much as it pained her heart she pushed Mon-El back lightly, a part of her still wishing she wouldn’t have to do that, and she pulled back to look at his face. Her shirt was still balled up in her fists, and there was no way she could remove them, wanting to feel him under her touch, despite everything needing to know that he was there with her.

It almost broke her heart when she saw the confusion flickering in his eyes as he opened them, his hands still on her waist, his brows furrowed. Because she knew what she had to say, and she knew… She knew it would hurt him. And she knew… No matter what she said for an explanation, it would never be enough to keep _his_ heart from breaking. Because she’d moved on. She was so tired of feeling hurt and hollow that she’d moved on in _less than five months_ when he’d spent that time searching for a cure, for a way to come back to her.

…she should’ve never give up on him, she should’ve tried too…but it was too late. It was too damn late, and it didn’t change the truth of what happened.

Yet still, she was pretty sure that how she expressed those words, especially considering it was the _first words_ she spoke to him after not seeing each other for months, might not be the best way.

“I have a boyfriend.”

She could almost pinpoint the moment he processed those words as he saw his eyes shift from confusion to shock, and then to pain and disappointment and anger as he pulled back, letting her go so harshly that she was forced to let him go. _“What?”_ he choked out as Kara mentally slapped herself for blurting out that bit of information just like that, especially when she felt her heart crack for him. Because… Because he deserved better than that, and she…she felt horrible for putting him in that situation, especially after he’d searched for a way to be with her for months. _Months_ that she’d spent _trying to move on._ “You have a _what_?”

“Mon-El…” she tried to say, her voice cracking, desperate to explain herself, yet her hand that was reaching for him froze in the air when he took a step back, away from her. Her heart cracked again, so much so that she would’ve winced if she wasn’t frozen. Because he’d never pulled back from her before. _Never_. But now…

“You have a _boyfriend?”_ he asked this time, his voice shaking at the last word, so much so that this time she really flinched. She pressed her lips together, wanting to erase that heartbroken look on her face as she stepped forward again, hating the way the conversation was already going off the rails…at least until he pulled back _again_ without letting her get a word in, ignoring what she was saying.

“I can explain—“

“You didn’t wait for me?” She stopped with those words, not only those words but with the absolute heartbreak and disappointment in his voice, with the unshed tears filling his eyes. She felt herself crumble under his stare as shame churned in her stomach, knowing how right he was. She didn’t wait for him. She couldn’t wait for him. She loved him, she still loved him _so much_ for Rao’s sake, but she couldn’t wait for him. It was… It was too much and she had to move on. She had to move on if she didn’t want to plunge into depression, and she couldn’t _wait for him._

“I didn’t know you would be coming back,” she tried to defend herself, her voice small. He lifted his brows at that almost incredulously, searching her face for a couple of seconds…before he laughed. He just… _laughed,_ humorlessly, hysterically. He _laughed._

“You didn’t know… _That’s_ your excuse?” he asked, putting his hands on his hips. “ _That’s_ your excuse for…for dating someone less than five months since I was gone? For…For moving on so quickly?” His words were laced with anger, _betrayal_ almost, and damn a part of Kara knew that he was right, knew she’d moved on too damn fast, but a more selfish part of her, a part that always looked out for protecting her from pain, physical and emotional, acted quicker than common sense. And she found herself talking before she could even asses the words, before she could get a grip on herself, especially since she was already a jumbled mess, feeling a thousand different emotions at the same time.

“I was _hurting,_ Mon-El,” she said as she stepped forward, her voice raising by the second. “I missed you so much that…that it hurt. I had to move on. I had to move on if I wanted to continue living—“ She stopped herself, feeling almost breathless as she realized how cruel her words must’ve sounded, especially when she saw Mon-El flinch, anger brewing in his expression. Anger like she’d never seen before. At least not directed to her.

“And you think I didn’t miss you?” he countered, stepping forward. “I missed you _every single day_ , Kara. I spent _every single day_ looking for a way to—to cure my lead allergy, so that I could come here and…and be with you, and you’re telling me…you’re telling me that it hurt you _too much_ that you had to jump into someone else’s bed?” Her eyes widened at his choice of words.

“Mon-El!” she exclaimed, not being able to help herself, her heart stuttering in her chest with disbelief. He couldn’t have just said that, right? He would never… He would never say something like that, not to her. Even if he was angry… He couldn’t have meant that, right?

“How long, Kara?” he asked, taking her out of her thoughts as he stepped forward, not too close to get into her personal space but close enough to make it hard for her to breathe. And even though he didn’t specify what he was asking, she knew it. _How long have you waited until you started dating someone?_

Her stomach was churning all over again as she answered. “Four months,” she whispered, afraid that her voice would break if she spoke louder. And she actually felt Mon-El go still with those words. _Four months that felt like years,_ she wanted to say but she couldn’t find her voice. Yet she wished she could say that, because four months… It sounded too short to her ears. Too short for someone to move on from a person that they _loved_.

“Wow. That short,” Mon-El asked, pain flickering in his eyes as he struggled to keep his voice level. Kara clamped her mouth shut as she shook her head, desperate to try and explain herself.

“He made me smile and—“ she tried to say, and she wanted to continue, to tell him that what she felt for Darryl wasn’t even _close_ to what she still felt for him, that she still loved him, yet he didn’t even give him the chance. Not when he snorted.

“So you just decided to forget all about me and—“

“You don’t know what I’ve been through!” she found herself yelling at his words, her anger flaring up when he claimed that she forgot him. Because she didn’t, Rao forbid, she could never forget him. And a part of her knew that he was only saying that because he was hurt and angry, but she couldn’t even think that as her stubbornness took over and she found herself stepping forward, her finger angrily pointed at him. “You don’t know how much I missed you, how much it hurt to go on with my life without you, how much it hurt even to be in this damn loft! So yes, Mon-El, I tried to move on, because I was so damn _sick_ of hurting and I wanted it to _stop._ I wanted it to _stop,_ to move on, knowing there was no point pining after you when I _knew_ the atmosphere was poisonous to you, knowing you could never come back! And…” She stopped briefly, taking a breath to gather up her thoughts, ignoring the shocked expression on Mon-El’s face. “And you couldn’t expect me to put my entire life on hold on the off chance that you were gonna come back! I needed to move on at some point, and sooner better than later, right?” She was breathing heavily by the time she stopped, glancing up at him, only to see something crack in his eyes and hurt filling them. There was no trace of anger in them as he uncrossed his arms, a tear sliding down his cheek. And only then what she said came back to her. That she’d wanted to move on, she wanted to stop thinking about him, she couldn’t stop his life for him. And she knew how it sounded. _I didn’t love you enough to do those things._ Which wasn’t what she intended to say, not even close…but now it was too late.

Especially when she heard his words. “So you started dating someone else,” he said, his voice breaking as another tear followed the initial one. A tear that felt like a stab in the heart for Kara. “You replaced me, so that you wouldn’t have to think about me, when I… When you were the only thing I thought about the last few months. You _forgot_ about me when I tried to come back to you this whole time.” Her shoulders slumped at that, at the accusation that was _so wrong_ but deserved, as she shut her eyes, guilt churning in her stomach. She tried to shake her head.

“Mon-El, that’s not what I—“ Yet he didn’t let her speak as he continued.

“Do you love him?” he asked, catching Kara so off guard that she couldn’t say anything. He repeated himself when she didn’t answer, more tears sliding down his cheeks, shattering Kara from inside completely as she’d rarely seen him cry, which meant that he must’ve been _really_ hurting right now. “Do you love him?”

“I…” she said, lacking the words to explain what Darryl was to her exactly. Because even she didn’t know that. He wasn’t her Mon-El. She was sure of that. Yet they weren’t friends either. Which put him in a weird category that she didn’t have the words for. So she struggled with the words, not being able to say anything for a moment…and of course Mon-El had gotten it wrong. He chuckled humorlessly again, shaking his head as he furiously wiped his tears.

“Of course. I should’ve known.” And that was the last thing he said as he avoided her gaze and moved to the door, not even waiting for her to say anything. She realized that he was attempting to leave one second too late, and even she, with her superspeed, was caught off guard with the fear filling her lungs when he opened the door.

“Mon-El, wait,” she pleaded desperately as she stepped forward, wanting to get ahold of his wrist, to keep him from leaving and explain to him everything, tell him how much she loved him, how much she still loved him…but she was too late. She couldn’t even touch him before the door slammed close behind him, leaving her all alone in the loft, staring at the door.

It didn’t take long for her tears to fill her eyes too, with the misunderstandings piling up, with the absolutely messed up situation, with the complications and conflicts that had opened a huge cliff between her and Mon-El. A cliff that she didn’t know how to close, not with everything she’d said, not with her hurting him in the worst way: By making him think that he was replaceable, that she didn’t love him enough to wait for him, that she _forgot_ him. Words would never be enough to fix that, especially not…not with Darryl still in the picture. Not with _her boyfriend_ still in the picture.

She couldn’t even wipe away her tears as she stared at the door.

_Damn, Mon-El, couldn’t you have come a bit earlier?_


	3. Boyfriend

**_20 th of November , 2016_ **

_Three weeks._ It had been _three weeks_ since Mon-El came back that godawful day, three weeks since Kara’s life went off the rails once again, three weeks since, for the first time in a couple of weeks, she’d cried for the whole night and her tears had just not dried…yet she wasn’t better. _Not even close._ Whenever she got close to feeling good, her mind kept circling back to that conversation—well, argument really—she had with Mon-El in her house, when he first came back, and she was reminded once again how much she’d hurt him by moving on from him too quickly like he didn’t even matter…

And she was back to square one with tears building up in the back of her eyes and emotions clogging her throat.

Which was why she was not only avoiding Mon-El like he was kryptonite the last three weeks, but she was also staying as much away from Darryl as possible too, which was really damn hard considering one lived at the DEO and the other worked in CatCo, two of her workplaces. But she couldn’t face them—not now. Being around Darryl… It made her constantly compare him to Mon-El, something she forbid herself from doing before, but now that he was back and there was a chance she could be with him she just couldn’t help herself. And the more she compared…the more she was reminded of what she had with Mon-El…the more she realized how her relationship with Darryl wasn’t enough for her. She’d never have what she had with Mon-El, with Darryl, because of one simple reason: Darryl was human, and therefore he couldn’t handle her superstrength.

But Kara wished it was only that. Because if it was just the physical part of the relationship, she could handle it. There were a lot of couples in the world that made it work without much physical touch for their own reasons. She and Darryl could’ve made it work too, if not…if not for the emotional aspect of the relationship. Because she wasn’t in love with Darryl. She’d tried, she _really_ did try to fall for him, but it just… She couldn’t do it. What she felt for Darryl was nothing more than mere friendship, and it didn’t even come close to what she _still_ felt for Mon-El. She loved Mon-El, she was very much in love with him with everything that she had, and that was something she could never find with Darryl, she realized now.

And if she had to be honest, she also did miss the physical part of the relationship with Mon-El. She missed being able to let go with him, she missed being able to touch him, hold his hand, hug him, kiss him without being afraid of hurting him. Not even that, she missed not having to think about bumping her shoulder to his, jokingly elbowing him, tugging at his hair, because he could handle those in a way no human could. But most of all… Most of all she missed being able to _feel_ his touch. Because no matter how much she tried, human touches were nothing but a breeze for her that she barely felt _if she focused_. With Mon-El… She felt _everything_ , every little touch, from accidental brushing of their fingers while they walked, to his arms around her when they hugged, to his kisses. And she missed that, she even _craved_ that. And the worst part was that if she broke up with Darryl, if she confessed to Mon-El how much she actually missed him and loved him, even gave him those stupid voice recordings—which she still kept recording by the way instead of going to him and talking to him—as proof, she could have all of those. She could have her relationship with Mon-El back.

But of course she was so _scared_ that it somehow wouldn’t be fair for either Darryl or Mon-El that she couldn’t do it. Instead, she spent the last three weeks avoiding both guys and moping about how she missed Mon-El. Though, if she had to be honest, she probably wasn’t being fair to both guys now either, but still…

“Kara?” With Alex’s voice, Kara finally managed to shake away her thoughts and looked up from her club soda. She saw that her sister’s brows were arched. “You okay?” Alex asked, her voice tinted with worry as she ducked her chin to get a better look at the Kryptonian.

Kara was pretty sure her answering “uh-huh” wasn’t very convincing at all. Especially since she could feel a crinkle forming between her brows.

The disbelief in Alex’s eyes was just a confirmation of that. “Yeah, you’re not really being convincing right now,” she stated, earning a short glare from Kara. “You’ve been staring at your club soda for the last five minutes as if it contained the answer to all your problems.” The Kryptonian opted to stay silent at that, her fingers tracing the mouth of her glass, her eyes focused on the small slice of lemon swimming inside her drink. Alex sighed after a couple of seconds later when she realized she wouldn’t get an answer from her. “Could this be about Mon-El?”

This time, Kara couldn’t help it as her eyes snapped at Alex, and she was pretty sure that her face had gone pale. She opened her mouth to object, to refuse what Alex had just claimed, but all the words died on her tongue. She’d been denying that she was affected by all of this for so long that she was tired. She was tired of scurrying away whenever she saw Darryl somewhere in CatCo, she was tired of ignoring his calls and claiming she was just having bad few weeks as the reason, she was tired of calling M’gann in the alien bar ahead of time to make sure Mon-El wasn’t working that day, she was tired of being afraid to go to the DEO just in case Mon-El might be there, she was _just so tired_ of running away from something that she wanted _so damn much._ So instead of objecting she gave up, feeling her shoulders slump as she buried her face to her arms over her table.

“Is it that obvious?” she said in a muffled voice. Alex just chuckled at that, earning a scowl from Kara, before she shook her head.

“You’ve been avoiding him like you’re Jerry and he’s Tom for the last three weeks, ever since he came back.” She pushed her hair back as she watched her sister, and Kara was pretty sure a grimace had appeared on her face at that claim. The worst part was that, Alex wasn’t even wrong. “And considering just how much you’d been missing him, I think that’s a bit odd.”

“I…” Kara started at that, desperately wanting to explain herself, wanting to make her sister understand, but she struggled with her words, because honestly…even she wasn’t sure she understood herself. She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “I’m with Darryl, Alex,” she said, yet even she knew that it was just an excuse. “I can’t just break up with him and start a relationship with Mon-El. It wouldn’t be fair for either of them.” Alex just lifted her brow.

“And you think it’s fair that you’re avoiding both of them and lying about your feelings?” That made Kara clamp her mouth shut and turn her gaze away, especially when her sister reached forward and put a hand over hers. “Because I know that you still love Mon-El. It’s written all over your face.”

There really was nothing to say to that, especially since Alex hit the nail right on the head. Kara loved Mon-El, she’d always love Mon-El, and by dragging both Darryl and him… She was just hurting everyone and delaying the inevitable. Because eventually she’d have to break up with Darryl, eventually she’d have to confess to Mon-El everything she’d been feeling if she wanted to have him back and stop herself from hurting. And truthfully, if she kept putting that off… Who could be sure that Mon-El would wait for her? Maybe he’d get tired of waiting, maybe he’d realize that it wasn’t worth it and he’d move on. And frankly, after what she put him through…he’d have that right.

She opened her mouth to tell Alex that she was right…at least until very, very familiar footsteps _and_ heartbeats filled her ears. In time, she’d gotten pretty good at distinguishing people from their unique pattern of walking and heartbeats, and even though she wasn’t particularly paying attention to that, it seemed like her superhearing had instinctively caught the familiar sounds without her intention. And she’d know to whom they belonged to, even if she was in the middle of a crowd she’d recognize the person.

_Mon-El._

_No._ That was the first thought that seeped into her mind. No, he couldn’t be here. That was impossible. She’d asked M’gann specifically, about three times, whether she was _sure_ Mon-El didn’t have a shift that day, and she’d said yes. _Three times._ He shouldn’t have been here.

Yet it seemed like he was, because the moment she lifted her eyes to look at the door she saw _him_ walk in, a phone in his hand and his “Mike” glasses up his nose, looking around the bar almost expectantly.

At least until his gaze found Kara’s.

And then he came to a complete stop, his eyes widening, as if he couldn’t believe that she was there. Well, not that she could really blame him for it since _she_ was having the same reaction. _How_ was he here? How could _he_ be here? He couldn’t, he _shouldn’t,_ yet no matter how much she blinked he didn’t disappear. He stood there, right inside the bar in his blue plaid shirt and jeans, looking at her like he just saw a ghost or something.

She truly wished that she was seeing a ghost and he wasn’t real, but he was, he very much was…and she truly didn’t know what to do. Even though her heart had already started slamming against her ribs, shivers going through her body with the thought of being close to him again, being in his arms, tracing the lines of his face and his scruff with the tips of her fingers, reaching up to press her lips on his—

She immediately shook away those thoughts as she turned away, trying to calm her thundering heart, and looked at Alex. She was pretty sure panic was flaring in her eyes.

“Alex, he’s here,” she hissed, clenching her fists over the table to keep herself from doing something stupid. She doubted M’gann would like a broken table, and that was what she’d get if she gripped the side of the table harshly. “How is he here?”

“I don’t know,” Alex answered, her eyes focused on somewhere over Kara’s shoulder…and then a small smile pulled her lips. “But it seems like he’s coming here.”

Kara only had one second to process that before she heard someone stop next to the table. Her head snapped up to him so quickly that if she was human, she was pretty sure that her neck would be broken.

She could only stare at Mon-El, who was standing with his hands in his pockets, an awkward smile on his face. He cleared his throat. “Hey Alex. Kara.” Kara was so shocked to say anything that it was Alex that answered.

“Hey, Mon-El,” she chirped almost too happily, glancing at her sister with a worried gaze, before plastering a forced smile on her face. “We didn’t expect to see you here today. M’gann said you weren’t working.”

“I’m not,” he admitted, scratching his cheek uncomfortably, yet he didn’t even look at Alex as he said that. His eyes were on Kara. “I just came here to…” His voice trailed off as he was unable to finish the sentence, and Kara’s mind was already filling the blank he’d left before Alex’s voice interrupted her.

“Oh. Oh!” she said, her eyes widening. “Yeah, I… I get that. I’m just… I’m gonna be over there, okay?” She flashed Kara an encouraging smile and a knowing look, as if telling her to explain everything to Mon-El, before grabbing her beer and going to the pool table, joining one of the regulars there. Yet Kara could still feel her eyes on them, even as she faced Mon-El again.

Rao, she really, _really_ wanted to kiss him, so badly that it caught her off guard. Yet all she could say was his name when she opened his mouth. “Mon-El.”

He offered her a forced smile at that. “Hey,” he said before clearing his throat again, as if he didn’t trust his voice. “I…I haven’t seen you around lately.” he continued, his words reminding her so much of the ones he said almost a year ago, when he…when she thought he was dating Eve. She’d started avoiding him then too, just like she was doing now…only their roles were reversed. Now she had a boyfriend while Mon-El…

“Yeah, I…” she started and cleared her throat, Alex’s words ringing in her ears again. _And you think it’s fair that you’re avoiding both of them and lying about your feelings? Because I know that you still love Mon-El._ And she was right. Damn, Alex had no idea how right she was. Kara wasn’t being fair by avoiding Mon-El or dragging her relationship with Darryl; instead, she was hurting all three of them—for no reason too. If she just had the guts to talk to both Darryl and Mon-El, this whole thing could be fixed.

And that started right here, right now. She gathered up her courage and straightened her shoulders, getting ready to spill what she should’ve said weeks ago. “Mon-El, I wanted to—“ Yet her words were interrupted by someone approaching them, calling for Mon-El—well, _Mike._

“Hey, Mike!” Kara clamped her mouth shut at that immediately, feeling a blush creep up her cheeks at almost being caught baring her heart to Mon-El, and turned to see a guy with light brown hair approach them. A quick look-over at him told Kara that he was human, and she vaguely remembered seeing him around here couple of times, at least before Mon-El came back. Yet she had no idea what his name could be.

Though it seemed like Mon-El did, because the moment he heard the voice his face paled, the hopeful look in his eyes disappearing and leaving its place into fear. Kara immediately felt on alert as he turned to the guy, expecting something dangerous…

Which was why she was caught so off guard when the guy leaned in, almost too naturally, put his hand on Mon-El’s back and kissed him. The guy _kissed_ him, and Mon-El didn’t look surprised or fazed by it. As if he’d done that before. As if he _expected_ that.

Kara didn’t know what surprised her more, that Mon-El kissed someone or he’d kissed a _guy,_ but whatever it was… It seemed like the roles weren’t that reversed after all. It seemed like…Mon-El was with someone too. With a guy.

A weight settled over her shoulders at that, and no matter how much she tried she couldn’t get rid of it. Because… Because Mon-El had moved on. Because she’d waited too long, and now he moved on— _with a guy_ she couldn’t help thinking—and she’d…she’d lost his chance with him. Though she couldn’t help thinking that after what she’d done…after making him think that she fell for someone else merely months after he left…she deserved it.

Still, even as she watched the guy wrap his arms around Mon-El, even as she watched him tug the Daxamite close…it was hard to wrap her mind around. She was pretty sure she had a very sour look on her face, and she was _pretty_ sure Mon-El was aware of that as his steel gray eyes bore into hers, an almost regretful and apologetic look on his face. And her attention was so focused on him that she only heard that the guy was speaking a couple of seconds too late.

“Hello.” Her eyes snapped at him at that, and she had to school her features to get rid of the grimace on her face, putting on a smile that she so hoped looked real. She stood up on shaky legs as she straightened up her dress.

“Hey,” she said when she realized Mon-El wasn’t going to say something. She was surprised that her voice sounded normal, considering there was a huge knot lodged in her throat. Especially when the guy extended his hand, a joyous smile on his face as if he was unaware of the tension cackling in the air like electricity among them.

“I’m Paul, Mike’s boyfriend,” he introduced himself, so naturally, so normally that a sick feeling churned in her stomach. She couldn’t help glancing at Mon-El, who looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here, before she turned back to Paul. She made sure her grip on his hand wasn’t too tight as she offered him a fake smile.

“Kara Danvers,” she told her name, her voice starting to quiver a bit at the end, so much so that she barely noticed the way Paul’s smile widened at her name. She cleared her throat before gesturing at them. “So, boyfriends, huh?” she couldn’t help asking, keeping her eyes on Mon-El’s, watching his reaction. “I didn’t know you were interested in guys, Mo—um, Mike.” She searched his face, watching him wince, before her eyes dropped on Paul’s hand on his waist, and she felt a spark of jealousy inside. Because it used to be _her_ holding Mon-El like that, it used to be _her_ pulling him close and grinning at him proudly, but now… It seemed like her place was filled.

She had no idea it could hurt this much, especially since she had seen Mon-El with someone before. Eve. But this was…different. Then, she had no idea what it was like to be with him. Now, knowing that, knowing what it felt like… She wanted it. She wanted it, all of it, back…but it was too late.

The smile Mon-El offered her after her comment looked so fake that she had to struggle not to grimace again. He shrugged almost too nonchalantly. “Well, you know what they say. The more, the merrier, right?” Kara could only nod, feeling something burning in his chest as she was reminded of the words he told Alex a year ago. She didn’t think much about that comment, but to be honest, Mon-El had always been too affectionate with… _everyone_. She just thought it was because he was friendly, but…thinking about it, it made sense that he would be bisexual. Or maybe pansexual? They hadn’t really talked about it when they were dating, more like Kara never thought to ask about it, so she really didn’t know. His past… It wasn’t a favorite topic between them.

Not that she minded him liking men too! It didn’t matter to her at all. She was just…surprised to find it out in this way. Seeing him…kiss a man…in front of her, when she didn’t even know he was seeing someone.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she jumped when she heard Paul’s chuckle, not missing the way his arm tightened around Mon-El, _his boyfriend,_ as he nodded. “Fortunately for me, yes,” he commented at Mon-El’s words. “Though I hope that doesn’t mean you plan on cheating on me.”

“I won’t,” Mon-El said almost immediately, at the same time Kara muttered, “He won’t,” under her breath. That was one thing she was sure of. No matter what happened, she couldn’t think of a scenario where Mon-El would intentionally cheat on his partner. He’d stayed loyal for her even when he was gone from Earth, he’d searched for a way to come back to her every single day and never gave up, and she could imagine he would do the same for anyone he… _liked._ At that thought she couldn’t help glancing up, her eyes meeting his briefly, before she turned away again. She focused on Paul instead, the safer choice between them, thought she couldn’t help being annoyed whenever she saw the man’s carelessly happy smile, as if he didn’t have anything burdening him. She swallowed hard for what felt like the hundredth time that night.

“So, um… How long has this been going on between you two?” She scratched her cheek, trying to get rid of the crushing feeling in her chest. _Especially_ when Paul sent a loving look at Mon-El’s ways, indicating that no, this couldn’t be their first date.

_Great_.

“For a couple of days only,” he answered when Mon-El stayed silent, and even though Kara was trying her best not to look at him, she could feel that he was doing the same, keeping his eyes as far away from her as possible, his hands tucked in his pockets, as if he wanted to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. “This is only our third date, but I feel like this is going somewhere. Right, Mike?” Paul turned to his _boyfriend_ , and only then Mon-El snapped his head up, looking at him, and then at Kara, and then back at him. He cleared his throat.

“Right,” he said weakly, glancing at Kara from the corner of his eyes, as if he was weighing her reaction. She did her best to school her features despite feeling her heart crack in the middle. She forced another smile, pushing back her tears that were welling up in her eyes, telling herself to hold on, just _hold on._ The last thing she wanted was to cry in front of Mon-El, not only because it would show just how _weak_ she felt, but she also didn’t want to ruin their date, especially since _she_ was the one that brought all this upon herself. She was the one that moved on from Mon-El way too quickly, could she really fault him for looking for someone else too? And the last thing she’d want, after what she did to him, was ruin this for him with her stupid feelings.

So instead she waved her hand in the air, managing a low chuckle. “Anyway, I should let you guys get back to your date,” she said, truly hoping she didn’t sound so fake. She avoided Mon-El’s gaze yet again as she turned to Paul. “And it was nice to meet you, Paul. I hope… I hope you guys find…whatever you’re looking for.” And with that, once again blinking her tears away, she offered them a forced smile and slipped away from them, going to the bar counter, feeling unshed tears burning her throats. She could feel Mon-El’s gaze on her, even as she heard Paul pulling him to a table, yet she didn’t turn to him. Instead she focused on M’gann who came to take her order.

There wasn’t even one bit of hesitation in her voice. “Give me Zakkarian ale.”

* * *

Kara had recently found out that while alien alcohol did make her drunk, it did not help in suppressing her powers. Not even one bit. Because she was halfway through drinking her third glass, and _still_ she couldn’t stop her superhearing from focusing on the conversation going on a couple of tables away from her. Between Mon-El and his new boyfriend _Paul._

It almost seemed like alcohol just made it _harder_ to control her powers.

She clenched her teeth as she took another huge gulp from her drink before slamming the glass on the table, making sure she didn’t use too much power to break it. And the moment the glass was down she continued glaring at Mon-El and Paul.

She was glad that Alex had left after her first drink because of some emergency concerning Maggie, or else she was sure her sister would be stopping her from drinking. But she needed the drink. If she wanted to distract herself from the pain crushing her heart, she _needed the alcohol._

She couldn’t help grimacing at that, considering that was something she never thought she’d say. She didn’t turn to alcohol, not even when she first lost Mon-El to that damn lead in the atmosphere, but now…

_You burned mac and cheese in a microwave?_ She was distracted from her thoughts when Paul’s words filled her ears, and she almost cringed when she heard his laugh at that. She couldn’t see Mon-El’s face, since his back was to her, but she was pretty sure a mirroring smile was on the Daxamite’s lips too. At first she’d started counting the times they laughed together, but after twelve she gave up, starting to feel more and more horrible with each time. She would be lying if she said she hoped the date would go bad, that she would see the signs of them not working together, but the more she watched them…the more she realized how much they _fit._ They just… _fit._ They looked so happy together, at least from her vantage point, that she couldn’t even believe it. There was even some PDA involved too, which made her look away and even gag once. And now…

Now they were talking about _cooking_?

_Granted, it was the first time ever I tried cooking,_ Mon-El defended himself against Paul’s words. _But since then I’d gotten better. Kara…_ He cleared his throat at that as his voice trailed off momentarily, making Kara’s heart skip a beat. But then he continued as if it wasn’t anything. _She used to say that I cooked really well._

Kara couldn’t help it as her shoulders slumped, and she took yet another gulp from her ale. Because she _did_ like Mon-El’s food—a lot. Since she could _barely_ cook for herself, she savored every bite of everything he cooked for her, especially his cookies. He made mean chocolate chip cookies, which were her absolute favorites. They were even better than her favorite bakery’s, and that said something.

She wondered briefly whether he’d bake for her again, whether she’d be able to watch him cook in her kitchen with a smile on her face, before getting rid of those thoughts. Pondering on them wouldn’t help. Yes, Mon-El might’ve cooked for her—and _only_ her—once, but that time was in the past, and now…now he could cook for anyone. Right?

Right?

_Really?_ Paul said at that, an amused expression on his face, as he threw a piece of his food in his mouth. _You know what, you should cook for me some time._ He said it nonchalantly as he took another piece of food, flashing Mon-El a smile. Kara felt her blood boil at that.

Okay, _maybe_ she wasn’t as okay with Mon-El cooking for others as she thought she was.

She bit down on her lip as she waited for Mon-El’s answer, almost counting the seconds, listening to his heart stutter. He cleared his throat yet again.

_Yeah. Yeah, I’d love to._

And that was when something in her snapped. Something that was keeping her in her seat, keeping her from interrupting their date, but it was enough. She’d watched them being all couple-y—and they were being _very much_ couple-y if she had to admit—for long enough. What made Mon-El think that he could sit in front of her with someone else as if nothing had happened between them in the past? If he thought she’d let that happen…

Oh boy, he was about to be surprised.

Besides, _he_ wasn’t the only one that was seeing someone, right? Two could play this game very, _very_ easily.

That was what she thought as she downed the rest of the alcohol in her glass before dropping it on the table and stood up. Though to be honest, she wasn’t thinking _that_ clearly, especially as she made her way to the couple, a fake smile plastered on her face. Paul had just opened her mouth when she cut in.

“Heeey,” she said, trying not to slur her words as she stood next to their table, and even with the haze of the alcohol she noticed the way Mon-El’s shoulders tensed. He didn’t offer her more than a glance while Paul greeted her with a smile of his own.

“Hey! Kara, right?” Her smile widened at that as she nodded maybe a bit too enthusiastically.

“Right! Mike’s _friend_ Kara.” She didn’t forget to emphasize the friend part before she clasped her hands together in front of her and looked from Paul to Mon-El, and then back to Paul. “So, I was just thinking while sitting over there, that even though Mike is my very close friend, I don’t know his boyfriend at all.” Paul arched his brow at that, an amused look on his face as he glanced at his boyfriend, who Kara knew was shooting her what-the-hell-are-you-doing looks. She completely ignored him as she continued. “And that is a problem.”

Paul’s low chuckle felt almost like a victory to her ears. “You know what, I agree,” he said cheerfully. Rao, how did this man managed to be cheerful all the damn time?

Not that it really mattered. She was just wondering.

“I would like to get to know Mike’s friends a bit more.”

“Paul,” Mike hissed at him from across the table, yet Paul just shrugged at him, not backing down on his words. Kara couldn’t help feeling good about that.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about. And _I_ would like to get to know you better.” She cleared her throat at that as a plan started forming in her mind. “So I was thinking, I had a date with my boyfriend tomorrow. Why don’t you guys join us? We were planning to go to the bowling alley.” Even though in the beginning her enthusiasm was very much real, she could feel it slipping away by the end as she realized exactly _what_ she was proposing. Yet it was too late to back down now, especially since an excited look appeared on Paul’s face.

“Oh, that’s a great idea. We’d really like to join.” He turned to Mon-El, who seemed like, to Kara at least, wanted nothing more than to say no. “What do you say, Mike?” Mon-El gritted his teeth at that before he forced himself to smile, turning his eyes to Kara. She felt her own smile falter at the intensity behind his gaze.

“It’s a date,” he stated, even though it seemed like he didn’t want anything to do with the double date stuff. Yet still… He said yes, right?

Well, two could _definitely_ play this game.

She felt like the smile on her face was poisonously sweet as she clapped at that. “Great! Then it’s settled. I’m so glad you guys can join.” She looked between the two boyfriends, trying not to let Paul’s joyous and Mon-El’s tense expressions affect her, before she continued. “I’ll text you the details, Mike, and… Well, I should let you get back to your date now.” She gestured at the air, pushing her glasses up her nose, before she turned to Paul. She tried to ignore the way her heart clenched with pain as it told her that the double date was the worst idea she could come up with, especially if she didn’t want a repeat of tonight, since she’d have to see Mon-El and Paul together _again_. And the ignoring part came easy when she remembered that _she_ would also have _Darryl_ with her this time. It would be one sweet revenge for tonight.

Yeah, she definitely wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Paul, it was very nice to meet you. And…guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow?” Paul nodded at that.

“Yep.” He offered her a smile when Kara stepped back. “Good night, Kara.”

“Good night!” she chirped at that before she turned around and walked away, paying her tab for the night. And then she left the bar, excitement still buzzing in her veins with the idea of the double date…since it still hadn’t hit her, with the amount of alcohol she consumed that night and the anger she was still feeling at Mon-El, how _horrible_ the idea of a double date actually was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woodsley, anyone? ;)


	4. Double "Date"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all :)
> 
> Sorry this took me too long to write, but, well, I had an idea literally pop into my head when I was supposed to be working on this, and I so very impulsively wrote that instead lol. Which wasn't surprising at all actually, but still, I'm sorry :)
> 
> But anyway, I hope you like this :)

**_20 th of November , 2016_ **

Kara had no idea since _when_ her favorite dress, the sleeveless yellow lace one, had become loose for her, but as she stayed in front of her mirror in her closet… The dress felt like it was _sagging_ on her. Even as she tightened it up with a belt. Yes, she’d known she’d lost some weight, but she never realized that it’d gotten this far.

Granted, she’d never actually _worn_ this dress ever since…ever since Mon-El was gone, but still…

She was interrupted momentarily from her thoughts when she heard Maggie and Alex talking in the living room. “Wait,” Maggie was saying in a hushed tone, as if she didn’t want Kara to hear…which probably would’ve worked better if she didn’t have superhearing. “Did you just say that Mon-El has a _boyfriend_?”

It was hard for Kara to not grimace at Maggie’s tone, even as she tried to focus on her reflection in the mirror and not the conversation.

Especially as Alex answered.

And the moment that first word left the woman’s mouth, Kara found herself almost _kicking_ the door open to reveal herself.

“Yep. Wouldn’t have—Kara!” Alex immediately cut her words when she saw Kara walking out the closet, plastering a huge smile on her face. “Well, that certainly took a bit of time.”

The glare Kara sent her at that didn’t do anything other than making Maggie chuckle. The Kryptonian tried to ignore that as she dropped her hand to her side, twirling around to show the dress.

“So, how’s this one?” she asked. Maggie and Alex had refused the last three outfits she’d worn, saying they were too tacky, too exaggerated, or was she really sure she wanted to play bowling with that? And from the way her sister’s lips pursed…Kara was pretty sure this dress would get the same treatment.

“It looks…kind of loose around the waist,” she said, gesturing at the general waist area. Kara felt herself deflate at that. It _did_ look kind of loose, she had to admit, but she really didn’t want to go in there and try another outfit. She didn’t even _know_ why she was bothering anyway; she never had a hard time getting ready for her dates with Darryl. She wore whatever caught her eyes first and then went with it. But now…

Now no matter how many times she’d rummaged through her closet, she just couldn’t find a fitting outfit. And as much as she would like to refuse even the possibility of that… She knew the reason for it.

_Mon-El._

It’d… It’d never taken her a long time to get ready for her dates with Darryl, because she never particularly wanted to look good for him. It didn’t matter for her. She wasn’t in love with him, and most of the times, their dates was no more than a friendly get together for her…albeit with a lot more touching and kissing. But the _intention_ behind it never changed. She hung out with Darryl because he’d made her forget about another certain someone, nothing else, and she could very well have that even if she wore a sack to the date. But… But with Mon-El…

It was different.

And she knew—she knew _damn well_ —that she was being ridiculous, that Mon-El probably wouldn’t even _care_ about how she looked, not with his _boyfriend_ being there and all…but she couldn’t help it. She wanted to look beautiful in a way she never wanted with Darryl. She wanted to look like she spent _time_ choosing her outfit and getting ready, she wanted…she wanted Mon-El to know that she cared about him enough to put this much effort into preparing for their date.

Well, not _their_ date their date, of course, but…but the double date! The date with her boyfriend Darryl that Mon-El would be joining with his boyfriend. Not like… Not like something _between_ them, but… He would be there, right? Right.

She wanted to mentally face palm herself for that, especially since with all her struggle, her heart was still stuttering in her chest, not with the thought of a double date but seeing Mon-El in a date setting. Would he try to look good too? For…for her, not for his boyfriend? Would he…

Okay, now she was getting _really_ ridiculous.

“Kara?” She was distracted from her thoughts with Maggie’s words, and she forced herself to focus on her.

“Hm?” A small, almost _amused_ smile pulled Maggie’s lips at that. The woman shook her head.

“You didn’t even hear what I said, didn’t you?” Kara felt herself frown, racking her head to dig up whatever Maggie must’ve told her…but nothing. Well, for someone with superhearing, she certainly did get distracted way too quickly.

Luckily, the woman just let it go with a chuckle as she pushed her hair away from her face. “I was saying that I don’t think it would be a good idea to wear a dress to bowling. Especially one as airy as that.”

Kara was pretty sure her shoulders visibly slumped at that. She adjusted her glasses with a frustrated sigh. “Yeah, I have not thought about that,” she almost hissed between her teeth as she stared at her dress for one more second before she spun around, stomping back into her closet. She didn’t miss the way Alex laughed quietly behind her, but she was way too exhausted to even bother.

And even though her ears had missed Maggie’s commentary a couple of minutes ago… They certainly didn’t miss the conversation going on between the two women as she pulled a black t-shirt from the rack.

“What was I saying? Oh, right. I wouldn’t have believed Mon-El had a boyfriend either, if I didn’t see it with my own two eyes.”

Kara couldn’t help cringing at Maggie’s answering chuckle, which sounded shocked, but also very, very amused.

“Wow,” she whispered, and Kara could imagine her shaking her head. She’d almost ripped the yellow dress off of her before putting on the t-shirt, so much so that it was a miracle it didn’t _actually_ get ripped under her grip. “Wow. That was…unexpected.”

_You don’t say,_ Kara couldn’t help thinking as she rolled her eyes. _That was unexpected in more ways than one._ Not only… Not only it had been a shock for her to find out Mon-El was also attracted to guys… She’d also found out, at the exact same time, that he’d moved on. Three weeks since his arrival back on earth, barely _three weeks_ , and he’d moved on. Granted, she couldn’t really blame him for that, because she remembered him saying that was how it worked on Daxam—you’d move on and find someone else as soon as possible if your relationship fell apart—but still… It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. To see him with someone else. And now, knowing how it felt like to see the man she loved be with someone… Her guilt over her relationship with Darryl had doubled. Because it must’ve hurt Mon-El to see her with Darryl too, hurt him so much that he’d looked for solace in someone else.

She slipped from her thoughts when she heard Maggie continue. “Though he did tell us, when we told him that we were dating, that it was the more, the merrier for him, right?” Kara couldn’t help scoffing as Alex laughed at that, and to stop herself from barging out of the closet, she instead focused on pulling her skintight jeans on her. Still, her fingers wrapped tightly around the fabric when her sister continued.

“Yeah, we shouldn’t have been surprised, really. But, I mean… Wow.”

And with that the last thread Kara was holding on snapped, and she found herself slamming her closet’s door open, a white jacket held tightly in her hand, and focusing her glare on the two woman. She didn’t miss the way they jumped with the sound, their eyes almost wide.

“Alex… Maggie…” she started slowly, her brows arched. “I love you both, but you _really_ aren’t helping right now.” She almost threw her jacket on her bed. “I called you because I needed help picking an outfit. So can we please go back to that instead of talking about Mon-El’s sexuality or relationship, because I’m gonna seriously start to consider heat-visioning your asses out of my door if this conversation continues.” Her eyes narrowed when Alex attempted to laugh at that, and it didn’t take long for that laugh to die. The woman cleared her throat and shook her head.

“Okay, okay, you’re right. Back to outfits.” Her eyes traveled on Kara, and a small smile pulled her lips. “But it seems like you’ve found the perfect one.”

The Kryptonian wasn’t even in a position to hide her relief as she tentatively grabbed her white jacket from her bed. “Really?” she asked, earning a small nod from Alex. The woman stood up and went next to Kara, straightening up her curls slightly and throwing them over her shoulder as a small smile pulled her lips.

“Yep. Mon-El is gonna love it. Don’t you worry about that.” With those words she pulled her into her room, Maggie trailing behind, to do her makeup. And Kara ignored the way Alex said _Mon-El_ instead of _Darryl,_ because honestly…no matter how much she tried to deny it…

Wasn’t Mon-El the one she was _truly_ getting ready for?

* * *

Kara could feel Darryl’s eyes watching her as she leaned down, tying up the laces of her bowling shoes. She could also feel the left side of his body touching her right side, no matter how much she tried to scoot as far away from him as possible. Which was something she never paid attention to before, especially since she could barely feel his touches anyway and they didn’t send fire buzzing through her veins like…like Mon-El’s touches did. Darryl… He’d never really been more than a friend for her, and now, she was beginning to realize that more and more every single day.

But beyond all that, she could feel his concern as his eyes traveled on her, probably wondering what the _hell_ was wrong with her and why had she asked him on a sudden date after avoiding him for three weeks. And granted… He had that right. She really hadn’t been fair to him. And if it was any other situation, like if she wasn’t about to have a double date with the guy she still very much loved and his boyfriend… She’d probably broached that subject, telling Darryl what she was actually feeling, how she didn’t like him in _that way_ and probably never would. But she couldn’t. Not after the trick she pulled the other night, asking Mon-El and Paul on a double date without really considering about the consequences of it.

She really shouldn’t have done that, especially knowing that she’d been drunk, but… Regret wouldn’t help with anything now. She just had to get through this right now, and then… And then she’d decide what to do about the mess she put herself into.

She finally tightened the knot of her shoelaces, taking her time smoothing it out before she straightened up, flipping her hair away from her face as she smiled at Darryl. “All done,” she tried to say chirpily, yet she was pretty sure he could hear how fake she sounded, especially as he lifted his brows. He struggled with his words for a few seconds, and Kara could almost pinpoint the moment he decided to speak up.

“Kara—“ Yet before he could get far she cut in, clapping her hands and jumping to her feet.

“So, you ready to kick some ass?” she asked, trying to calm her stuttering heart as she grabbed one of the bowling balls, remembering at the last second to at least seem to be struggling with the weight. She spun around to face Darryl, who was looking at her with an almost shocked and confused expression, and flashed him a huge smile. A huge and very, _very_ forced smile.

Rao, she could feel that this date would go downhill, fast, if she was _already_ feeling on edge even though Paul and Mon-El hadn’t even arrived yet.

She tried to ignore that feeling as she tried to focus on Darryl and not squeezing the ball too much. She was pretty sure that a dent on it would look _pretty_ awkward.

“Because you and I… We’ll beat those—“ she tried to continue, but her voice trailed off the moment her ears caught the very familiar footsteps and heartbeat coming from right outside the bowling alley. She felt her throat knot as she turned to the door involuntarily, feeling her heart slamming against her ribs. And surely, the door of the place opened no more than a couple of seconds later, revealing Paul with a ridiculously carefree smile on his face, and then…

_Mon-El…_ who, contrary to his boyfriend…looked as happy as the grumpy cat with his lips pressed tightly together and his hands tucked into his pockets. There was also no way to miss the tension in his shoulders, especially when… Especially when their gazes met. He hadn’t even looked around the room to find her; it was as if…as if he’d _felt_ her presence and just turned to her, his steps almost halting. Though Kara couldn’t really blame him for that, it wasn’t like she was in a much different situation, struggling to breathe as she took in his gray-blue eyes, wide with surprise and…and an unreadable feeling. Kara tried to understand what it was, tried to process it through the haze of emotional turmoil going on inside her…but it disappeared way too quickly when Paul grabbed Mon-El’s arm, almost pulling him. She felt the almost… _magical,_ for the lack of a better word…gaze between them snap and she finally managed to return to reality, with the world around her falling back into place. Still, her heart was thundering in her chest as she cleared her throat and turned to Darryl, hoping the blush on her cheeks wasn’t too visible.

“They’re… They’re here,” she said, barely hiding her cringe at how hoarse her voice sounded. Darryl lifted his brows as he stood up and turned around, facing Paul and Mon-El who was now making their way to where Kara and Darryl were seated. Well, okay, more like Paul was making his way and pulling Mon-El with him, but whatever. It didn’t really matter…especially as Darryl threw her arm around Kara’s shoulder and pulled her close, making her almost drop the bowling ball in her hand with surprise. And a part of her… A part of her wanted to push his arm away, wanted to put as much distance between them as possible, especially when Mon-El almost stumbled upon seeing Darryl’s arm around her…yet she couldn’t. She _shouldn’t._ They were… They were boyfriend-girlfriend, right? And besides, PDA with Darryl wasn’t something that was unfamiliar for her. If she pulled away now… It would get way too awkward and uncomfortable, _fast_ , and she… She really didn’t want that.

So she plastered a smile on her face as Paul and Mon-El stood across from them, ignoring Paul’s hand on Mon-El’s arm. Instead she cleared her throat. “Hey, guys,” she tried to say joyfully, loosening her grip on the bowling ball when she felt it bend under her fingers. She focused on Paul and his answering smile instead of Mon-El’s utterly tense expression.

“Hey, Kara!” he said, extending a hand towards her, and Kara hoped her smile didn’t look so fake as she shook his hand. He then turned to Darryl. “And I’m assuming this is the boyfriend you told us about.”

Kara had to clear her throat again as she nodded, ignoring the tension in her “boyfriend”s shoulders as she introduced him.

“Yeah, this is…this is Darryl.” She adjusted her glasses awkwardly as she finally gathered up her courage to face Mon-El, only to see him looking at her. Her breath momentarily got caught in her throat, so much so that she almost forgot how to speak…at least until he looked away. This time, she was pretty sure her blush was visible as she gestured at Mon-El. “Darryl, this is… This is my friend I told you about, Mike, and…his boyfriend Paul.”

Darryl’s arm tightened around her waist as he shook Paul’s and then Mon-El’s hand, a fake smile on his face, making Kara wonder whether he could feel the tension in the air. It was so substantial that it would be impossible not to—and yet Paul seemed to be totally oblivious to it as he flashed a toothy grin to Darryl.

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you,” he said, nudging Mon-El to do the same. Kara was trying so hard not to look at him; she already felt like she was about to faint and she didn’t want to push her luck, but she could almost feel the glare Mon-El sent Darryl’s way. Still, he just cleared his throat.

“Yeah, Darryl. Kara… She told me…about you.” She had to close her eyes at that as his eyes almost burned through her, reminding her that not only they hadn’t talked about… _anything…_ for the last three weeks, but also her only mention of Darryl to him had been to tell him that she had a boyfriend. She tried to ignore the guilt churning in her stomach, and she didn’t know if it was because of not telling Mon-El about Darryl, or…or still being with him after everything that happened.

Damn, Alex had been right. She should’ve broken up with her “boyfriend” the moment she found out Mon-El came back. But… It seemed like it was too late for that.

“She did?” Darryl said, a fake-surprise in his voice. Kara was pretty sure she’d cringed visibly when she opened her eyes and looked at her boyfriend, who’d been staring at her with such…disappointment and anger in his eyes. “Well, I’ve never really heard about you.”

Uh-oh. This was going down way faster than she imagined, and if even _Paul_ looked taken aback by that comment, his permanent smile slipping away from his face… It really was bad. Kara forced herself to clear her throat and try to laugh it off, though the moment she glanced at Mon-El and saw the hurt in his eyes, her laugh died off. She waved her hand in the air and shook her head.

“Oh, you know, I’ve… I haven’t really had the chance to tell you about _all_ of my friends,” she tried to play it off…even though no one seemed like they believed her. Even the guy that had been sitting on the bowling lane next to them was giving her an awkward look, which she couldn’t help noticing. She quickly changed the subject to avoid the discomfort. “Anyway, I’m… I’m so glad you guys could make it! We were just waiting for you to get started, right, Darryl?” She nudged him with her elbow, and his grunt indicated that she might’ve used a bit too much strength. She tried not to grimace at that, especially as Darryl cleared his throat.

“Um…yeah. Exactly. That was what we were doing.” Kara truly hoped her smile didn’t look too forced as Paul’s smile found its way to his face back again. He clapped his hands together—and _no_ , Kara didn’t feel glad that he finally let Mon-El go.

“Well, great! Let’s get started then.” With that he winked at Kara and moved in front of the bowling lane, and despite all her efforts, she found herself glancing at Mon-El…only to see an almost defeated look on his face. Especially when their eyes met.

And no matter how much she tried to ignore that when she looked away…she was pretty sure that look would haunt her throughout the date.

* * *

The double date had gone terrible. Not that it was much of a surprise, though, Kara had to admit as she sat on the passenger seat in Darryl’s car, watching the trees pass by. She really shouldn’t have expected anything else when she suggested the idea…but that didn’t mean it didn’t feel _horrible._

She wondered briefly when it had started to go wrong— _really_ wrong. Granted, it had started to go downhill from the initial meeting, but where had it really crossed the line and tumbled down a cliff at full speed. Was it after that first strike Paul made and he fist-bumped with Mon-El—just like _she_ and _him_ used to do when they’d accomplished something? Was it Darryl not leaving her side even for one second, touching her, holding her, and even kissing her almost possessively, as if he was making a show out of it? Or was it…was it her and Mon-El trying to avoid each other desperately and failing, finding themselves getting lost in each other until either Paul or Darryl broke the magic?

She honestly had no idea, but as she recounted the events of the day… She started to doubt that it was all of them. And that wasn’t even the worst part. Because avoiding Mon-El…trying to ignore how her heart stuttered every time his fingers accidentally brushed hers…not being able to help a small smile at his excitement over his first strike…finding himself looking at him and remembering how it had been like when they were together, wishing she could have that back… She could deal with that. It wasn’t as if those thoughts never crossed her mind when he was gone. But seeing him with someone else…

It was hard. It’d been harder than she thought it would be. Whenever Paul patted him on the back encouragingly she found herself wishing _she_ was the one doing it instead of Paul. Whenever Paul wrapped his arms around Mon-El’s back to help him throw a bowling ball—after fifth time Kara had started doubting Paul was doing it in order to teach Mon-El bowling but to actually be close to him—she remembered how she used to teach him everything about earthly customs. Whenever Paul bumped his shoulder to Mon-El and flashed a smile at him as they sat side by side, Kara found herself wanting to be the one sitting next to Mon-El with her hand over his knee and a smile on her face, reserved just for him. And whenever…whenever Paul kissed Mon-El whether it was a small peck or a true, passionate kiss… She longed for being the one kissing Mon-El, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him close, running her fingers through his hair and pulling at the strands just like she always used to do. And through all of that… The pit in her stomach grew, reminding her over and over again that her place was filled now, and it was…it was _her fault._ She’d done this. Mon-El… He was more than willing to have a relationship with her again…if she hadn’t moved on. If she hadn’t moved on from him way too quickly, especially when she still very much loved him.

She wished that was that about the date, that it was only her pining over Mon-El secretly, but _of course,_ because of her luck, she was pretty sure Darryl and Paul had sniffed that something was going on. Well, _duh_ , of course they did. She’d been to many awkward and uncomfortable dates in her life—breaking someone’s nose while kissing them tended to kill the mood very, very quickly—but this one took the cake. It was… It was just bad from the beginning. The tension in the room was so substantial that she could almost _breathe_ it, and even Paul’s joyfulness couldn’t ease it. There had been more than one instance where the awkward silence among them stretched so long that they just sat there, staring at each other, until someone—usually Paul—interrupted it with a change of subject. Especially after Darryl asked how she and Mon-El knew each other, with his arm tightly wrapped around her shoulders…

It was just so bad that even remembering it made her shudder. At some point they’d even forgotten about the bowling game, just using it as an excuse to _do_ something other than staring at each other, and she honestly had no idea who won. She remembered, at some point, Paul getting really excited about something, but he was always so excited that she couldn’t be sure it was about the bowling game… Though, she had to admit, even he lost his enthusiasm towards the end, which was _another_ proof of how bad things were.

She was so lost in her thoughts about the date that she hadn’t even realized they’d arrived at her house, at least not until Darryl stopped the car and turned to her. She had to blink to pull herself together when she heard his voice.

“We’re here.” His words were so clipped and harsh that she couldn’t help cringing. Guilt was churning in her stomach as she turned to him, only to see that he wasn’t even looking at her, only gripping the steering wheel tightly. She winced again when she saw how white his knuckles looked. She took in a shaky breath.

“Darryl…” she started, wanting— _needing_ —to explain what happened in the bowling alley…and she also couldn’t help thinking that it was way past time to be honest with him about…about everything. About not having romantic feelings for him, about how she didn’t think their relationship was going anywhere, about…about _Mon-El…_ But he didn’t give her the chance as he cut in.

“Don’t even bother, Kara,” he said with a shake of his head, and Kara felt the knot in her throat grow to the size of a baseball. Uh-oh. This was so not going to end well. “There is… There is nothing you could say that could be enough to excuse what happened on that date.”

Okay, this was going to end really, really _bad._

Kara shut her eyes as she tried not to face palm herself. She’d messed up really, really badly, and now…now it seemed like she needed to clean all this shit up herself, even though she really had no idea how.

“Darryl, I’m really sorry about…about everything. I—“ Her voice trailed off when she struggled to find the right words, and that was when Darryl truly turned to her. Pain and betrayal was flickering in his eyes, reminding her…reminding her so much of how Mon-El looked like three weeks ago, when he first came back, and she had to confess she had a boyfriend. Which somehow made everything worse—and she really hadn’t thought that was possible at this point.

“Why didn’t you tell me Mike was your ex-boyfriend?” he asked, no hint of compassion in his voice. He continued when Kara couldn’t find anything to say to that. “Or that you still obviously have feelings for him—and he for you?”

“It’s…” Kara started, clearing her throat. “It’s…complicated. I didn’t know how to explain it.” Darryl crossed his arms over his chest at that, almost snorting.

“Well, you could’ve at least _tried_.” And somehow…somehow the mockery behind his words caused anger to flare up in Kara’s stomach. Even though she knew she was in the wrong in this situation…she couldn’t just sit back and do nothing as he mocked what she had with Mon-El, what she _used to_ have with him. Because that relationship… It had been everything she could ever ask for. Happiness, support, loyalty, kindness, understanding, devotion, joy…but most importantly an unconditional and undying love. She’d felt so, _so_ loved when she was with Mon-El, in a way she never thought was possible, and…and she loved _him_ so much. And to hear someone just make fun of _that_ without even knowing the full story…without knowing how she had to sacrifice _him_ for the good of everyone else…without knowing how he had to lose the home he’d found here and his love… There was no way she could be _not_ frustrated about that.

“Our relationship didn’t really end well, Darryl, and…and not in the way that you think,” she found herself saying without her intention. She pressed her lips together and shook her head, fighting the tears that threatened to slide down her cheeks. “We loved each other, we were happy, and we didn’t break up because we wanted it. We were… We were forced into it. He was forced to leave me.” She hated that it was all she could say in Mon-El’s defense without revealing their alien identities, knowing how empty her words must’ve sounded, but it would have to do. “And I thought he could never come back. That was why… That was why I accepted to go out with you when you asked me. Not because I wanted to be with someone until I could have him back, but because I… I was hurting, I missed him, and I just… I needed to forget that. I’m… I’m sorry if I hurt you, but that was…that was not my intention.” She stared at Darryl at that, waiting for him to say something, _anything,_ as he slowly uncrossed his arms. At least he didn’t scoff this time before he started speaking.

“So I was just a means for you to for get him? You never liked me?” Kara felt something break at her chest for him when his voice cracked. She gulped as she blinked her tears away and looked out at the road.

“At first… At first I liked you. You made me happy, and that was something so rare for me that I instantly liked you. But… But it only stayed like that, Darryl. It never… It never became more than anything platonic, and it never reached the level…” Her voice trailed off when she realized what she was about to say, and her eyes snapped up at him. Yet it seemed like he’d gotten the message pretty clearly.

“Of your feelings for him,” he finished her sentence. “You never loved me in the way you loved him.” Kara couldn’t even lie to him as she searched his face.

“Yes,” she whispered, and she couldn’t help the guilt churning in her stomach when his face twisted with pain at that. She hated herself for hurting him, knowing that he was a truly good guy and didn’t deserve it at all…but she had to be honest with him. After everything that happened… She had to be. “I loved him. I… I still love him,” she continued, the words hitting her harder than she thought. She had to bite her lip and look away to hide her tears from Darryl, not wanting to let him know she was hurt too, knowing she really didn’t have that right after everything she’d done. Yet she still couldn’t help a tear from escaping her eyes when she thought about how much she loved Mon-El…and lost her chance with him. Maybe not _lost_ him lost him, but she’d lost the relationship they could’ve had, and that…that hurt. That just…hurt.

“Yeah, that was pretty obvious from the way you looked at him.” He cleared his throat, and Kara couldn’t help looking at him. He was taking this breakup way better than she thought he would. She actually expected him to yell at her, but all he did was offer her a small smile. Still, the sadness was apparent in her eyes. “And I’m guessing that means that we are…”

Kara had to bite the inside of her cheek before she answered with a nod. “I’m… I’m really sorry,” she added, knowing it probably wouldn’t mean anything to him, but…needing to say the words. Darryl just shrugged.

“Don’t be. I think… I think I always knew you just saw me as a friend. I just…hoped that, in time, I could change your mind.” He cleared his throat almost awkwardly. “Guess that’s not happening now.” She couldn’t even answer as he turned to her. She was truly at a loss of words, not only at his understanding but…but the fact that he wasn’t even blaming her for anything, despite her deserving all the blame. He was just shrugging it off, and… Well, actually, no, she wasn’t even surprised by that, because that was just who Darryl was. He was so empathetic, so understanding of everyone, and of course he extended it to her, even though she’d hurt him.

“And I hope you and Mike can find your ways back to each other,” he continued, his voice filled with such honesty that Kara couldn’t even find the right words to say to that. “Because… Well, I know he has a boyfriend, but I think he loves you too.”

That was the last thing he said before their goodbyes and Kara got out of the car, making her way to her house. And no matter how much she tried to forget Darryl’s words, knowing holding onto them would only hurt more later… They were still circling in her mind when she plopped down on her could, and there was no way she could stop the hope from blossoming in her chest.


	5. Lost in Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all :) 
> 
> I actually managed to finish something before midnight, so YAY!! I'm counting that a win, because normally it'd be around 1-2 a.m. here when I post something, but now it's actually 23:45, and I'm proud. Someone's gonna get a good, long sleep today ;)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this!

**_21 st of November , 2016_ **

Kara didn’t know for how long she’d been staring at the cup of coffee in front of her, watching how the light brown liquid swirled and reflected the light, yet she was pretty sure it had been long enough to cross the border into the Land of Awkwardness. And she was sure if she continued for longer, she’d cross to the “Uh, what the hell is that girl staring at” Kingdom…but she couldn’t help herself. There were a lot of other things she could be doing at that moment, like working on her next article, getting some chocolate from the CatCo cafeteria, or actually _drinking_ the coffee, yet here she was, sinking under the weight of her own emotions and pondering about Mon-El.

Well, that had escalated quickly.

Not that it was much of a lie though, she had to admit, as she sighed and rested her cheek on her hand. She literally couldn’t get Mon-El out of her head, and that wasn’t even an exaggeration. Whenever she thought, _oh hey, I managed to not think about him for three minutes_ …she started thinking about him all over again and she was back to square one. And it would’ve been fine if she was thinking about only Mon-El. It wasn’t as if she never thought about him before he was back, or even way before that when he was still on earth. But unfortunately that was only half of the story. Because she…

She was thinking about Mon-El… _and Paul._

The moment the man’s name seeped into her mind, Kara felt her shoulders slump. She shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead, as if somehow it would help her get rid of the image in her mind of Paul and Mon-El, yet somehow it only _intensified_ it. And the worst part was that… She couldn’t even be angry about that. Not annoyed or…or even _disappointed._ She couldn’t hate Paul for being with Mon-El, no matter how much she wanted to do that, because…

Because he was _such a good guy._ Damn him, he was one of the best people she’d ever met in her life. He was… He was kind, he was happy, he always smiled and spread that smile to the people around him, he was funny, he wasn’t afraid to love, and he…he was affectionate. So, so affectionate. Like he and Mon-El had literally took PDA to another level on their bowling date, and _that_ was coming from someone that was first-hand familiar with showing affection in public. She’d never really been shy about stuff like that, as long as it didn’t become anything extreme, but Paul and Mon-El…

She didn’t even want to think about it.

She also didn’t want to admit that she thought they might’ve gone overboard with the PDA just because she was paying attention to every little touch shared between them.

And no, it also definitely wasn’t because she’d been jealous. Well, of course she’d been jealous yesterday, it wasn’t easy to see the man you loved be with someone else, but she would never deliberately belittle someone because of that. She _wouldn’t._

She couldn’t help face-palming herself at that thought, groaning exasperatedly. Rao, she was pathetic. She couldn’t even pretend anymore that she was annoyed at Paul, not because he wasn’t good enough for Mon-El, but because…he was. He actually, frustratingly was. He was… He was just way too perfect that Kara couldn’t even refuse the only reason she wanted to hate him was because he was with Mon-El. And that…that really was a pathetic and ridiculous reason to hate someone, and not only that, Paul didn’t even deserve that hate.

Maybe she should be hating _herself_ for letting things get this far into…into this mess. Because it was one big emotional mess for her, and she didn’t even know _how_ she’d get out of it.

She only realized she’d been gripping her pen in her hand way too harshly when it snapped, making her jump. She inwardly cursed when she realized she’d gotten a couple drops of ink on his hands and dropped the pen to the bin, not wanting to cause a physical mess on top of the emotional one. She truly hoped no one had noticed what just happened…but of course, with her luck, she heard some footsteps approaching her. She couldn’t help groaning again as she lifted her head, coming face to face with one and only Eve Tessmacher.

Was it really that hard to be alone in this damn building?

“Uh-oh,” Eve said as she stopped right in front of Kara’s table, her brows pulled into an anxious frown. Kara forced a smile on her face at Eve’s reaction that she so hoped didn’t look fake.

“Uh-oh, what?” she couldn’t help asking. Eve eyed her for a second, her eyes traveling on her face, before she answered.

“You just groaned,” she explained, stepping closer to Kara’s table to put her purse on it. “And it did not sound like a happy groan. I mean, if there is something like a happy groan. Well, except when—“ Kara immediately shut her eyes when a mental picture of what Eve must’ve been talking about appeared in her head, and she lifted her hand to stop the woman. And no, the mental picture definitely did not include Mon-El in any way or form. It _didn’t._

“Okay, okay, I got it!” she said, not being able to keep herself from shuddering as a blush crept up her cheeks. “I know what you mean. And…” She’d just prepared herself to tell Eve that the groan didn’t mean anything, that she was just frustrated at her pen, but when she looked up she just couldn’t find it in her to lie. She’d been pretending that she was okay with everything for about three weeks now, ever since Mon-El came back, and it was…it had been just far too long that she was exhausted. Because it wasn’t okay. _She_ …wasn’t okay.

Her shoulders deflated defeatedly as she adjusted her glasses. “And you’re right,” she continued, swallowing hard to get rid of the knot in her throat. “That wasn’t a happy groan.” She wanted to say more, she wanted to get everything out, but her voice trailed off when she couldn’t find the right words. Instead she watched as Eve leaned on her desk, lifting her brow.

“Well, you wanna talk about it?” Kara had to clear her throat when she felt a blush creeping up her cheeks. She cleared her throat and shook her head.

“It’s… It’s ridiculous, really.” And boy how true that was. If she hadn’t been in the middle of the situation and instead was watching it from outside, she was pretty sure she’d be in a laughing fit by now. You could take everything that she’d been through and make it the subject of a rom-com, and it would fit right in. It would be like…like _rom-com on steroids cheesy,_ as Mon-El would say.

Aaaaand she was back to thinking about him. _Great_.

She pushed away her thoughts when she heard Eve pulling a chair next to her desk and put a hand on her shoulder. Her blonde curls jumped around her shoulders as she shook her head. “Nothing is ridiculous when someone is hurting,” she countered her words, slipping away from her general bubbly self for a second as a serious look filled her face, but then she smiled again. She straightened up her shoulders. “Now come on, spill the beans. I’ve heard that assistants were _great_ at listening to others’ problems.”

Despite herself a chuckle left Kara’s lips…at least until it dissipated when she realized _exactly_ what Eve was talking about. At first she wanted to blow it off, claim that it was _really_ stupid and she really shouldn’t bother with it…but she couldn’t. Not when she looked at Eve. Because she…she realized she really wanted to talk about it. Yes, of course basically _everyone_ around her knew the situation, and _everyone_ had shared their opinions at one point or another—even J’onn, which had been so uncomfortable and embarrassing that Kara would rather not even think about it—but they were… They were too close to it. They wouldn’t be able to look at it objectively because of their love and respect for Kara. But Eve… Well, she could be the neutral party here, because while she was close with Kara, she also knew Mon-El—well, _Mike—_ too. She wouldn’t just look at it from one side.

So she found herself confessing before she could even think about the decision. “It’s… It’s Mike,” she said, adjusting her glasses as she leaned over the table. She felt seconds away from burying her face into her hands. “About… About six months ago he was forced to…move away from National City, and we… We were forced into kind of an unwanted breakup. It’s…complicated.” She shook her head, hoping Eve wouldn’t think the breakup was one stupid decision. Because _technically,_ if “Mike” was on earth, one would think they could make it work long-term, right? And since she couldn’t just tell Eve about “Mon-El”s little trip to space…

“Yeah, trust me, I get complicated. You don’t need to explain it to me.” Eve offered her a tentative smile and urged her to continue. “Go on.” Kara couldn’t help glancing at her gratefully before she continued.

“And, well, you know I was seeing Darryl for the last couple of weeks, until…” She’d said the sentence slowly, especially as Eve’s eyes started to get wider. She had to take a deep breath before she rushed out the next words in one breath. “Mike came back.”

Eve’s expression at that was physical representation of _oh shit_ that in any other situation would make Kara laugh. But right now, all she could do was stare at one spot on her desk, hoping her cheeks didn’t look as red as she felt. She pressed her lips together. “And I…I realized that I might still have…feelings for him…and not Darryl.”

Saying the sentence in pieces definitely didn’t lessen its effect, and when she heard Eve almost snort-laugh, she shot her a glare. Eve just covered her mouth to hide her laugh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…laughed at that. It just… It sounds all kinds of awkward.” This time, Kara couldn’t help it as she buried her face in her hands.

“Tell me about it,” she complained, wanting the floor to open and swallow her so that she could disappear from the face of earth and not deal with this shit. Or maybe go back in time and smack some sense into the version of her that came up with the brilliant idea of going out with Darryl. Maybe she could even get Barry to help her with that…

She immediately shook away the thought before lifting her head and focusing her eyes on Eve. “And even _worse_ than that, I… Well, me and Darryl kind of had a double date with Mike and his new boyfriend _Paul_ yesterday, whom he only started dating because I’d moved on from him while he was gone.” Eve’s brows inched up her forehead in shock. “I’m guessing you can imagine how _that_ went.”

Even sarcasm didn’t make the situation better, and Eve’s laugh certainly wasn’t helping that. Yet Kara didn’t even have it in her to glare at the woman at that as she crossed her arms over the table and buried her face on them. “I feel so stupid. I’ve ruined _everything.”_

Eve didn’t even deny that as she chuckled. “Oh, yeah, you did.” This time, Kara _did_ lift her head and glare at the woman, which made her rush to fix her mistake. She put her hand on Kara’s shoulder. “But it’s nothing you can’t fix.”

Kara honestly doubted that as she stared at Eve blankly. Yet the woman just offered her an encouraging smile. “And _that_ starts with being honest to Darryl about your feelings.”

“I already did that,” Kara blurted out suddenly, and when her words caught up with her she couldn’t help wincing. She curled her fingers into a fist as she shook her head. “At the… At the double date, he realized that I had feelings for…Mike. And we broke up.”

Well, that certainly was the understatement of the year. Yet from the way Eve brightly smiled at that, Kara couldn’t help thinking that at least she’d done _one_ thing right.

“See, that’s great!” the woman exclaimed, spreading her arms. “Now all you’ll have to do is talk to Mike about all of this. I’m pretty sure he’d understand.” Kara couldn’t help snorting at that. Yeah, right. That would go real well with him still dating Paul and all. Telling Mon-El that she still loved him… It would just make this whole thing even _more_ awkward, and that was the last thing she wanted. She shook her head.

“I can’t,” she said, and upon seeing the confused look on Eve’s face she continued. “He’s still together with Paul. I don’t… I don’t want to put him in an uncomfortable situation.” She’d expected Eve to cave at that and agree with her, but the woman only shrugged.

“Well, if I were you, I’d give it a shot.” She fixed her gaze on Kara as she put a serious expression on her face. “I’ve seen the way Mike looked at you before…whatever that happened between you two happened. And that kind of love, Kara… It doesn’t just die.” She offered her an encouraging smile before she pushed her chair away and stood up. Kara truly wished she could’ve come up with something to say as she stared at Eve, at least a thanks maybe, but her heart was thumping so crazily in her chest that she couldn’t say anything. “Anyway, I should probably go before Ms. Grant starts wondering where the hell I disappeared to.” She turned to Kara with a small laugh. “I truly hope that you and Mike can make it work, Kara. You two seemed so happy together.”

“Yeah,” Kara found herself whispering, and that was all she could muster as she waved at Eve, who offered her a short goodbye and started moving at the direction of Ms. Grant’s office. And as she watched the woman disappear around the corner…

She found herself truly hoping that her words would come true.

* * *

The lemon in the cup of club soda looked distorted because of the glass. Well, at least from Mon-El’s vantage point, since he had his arms crossed on the table and was resting his chin right behind them. He could feel his nose being squashed by the skin of his arms, so much so that he struggled with breathing, but he didn’t even care.

Well, he probably would start caring in a couple of minutes, like when he managed to get himself out of this…this _funk_ he seemed to sank into and actually start drinking his club soda instead of staring at it. He’d considered getting something else—something _stronger_ , preferably, that could get him drunk—but eventually he’d decided against it. Yes, he might be hurting right now, with his heart breaking in his chest and all, but… He shouldn’t be using that excuse to just fall back into his old habits. On Daxam… He did use alcohol and drugs to dull any kind of pain he might be feeling, whether emotional or physical, but that wasn’t how earth worked. That wasn’t who he was, who he _wanted_ to be on Earth. He couldn’t just throw all of the progress he’d made because Kara was dating someone else. He’d promised her that _wherever_ he went, he’d be the man that she thought he could be, and he would live up to that promise.

Even if he wasn’t with her. Even if she was with someone else. With _Darryl._

He shut his eyes painfully when the name popped into his mind. Not that… Not that Darryl was a bad person, or he didn’t deserve Kara. Well, okay, that wasn’t entirely true, but Mon-El thought nobody could really deserve Kara, so it wasn’t much of a surprise he thought that about Darryl too. But the reason thinking about Darryl made him feel like someone squeezed his chest was because…

Because he actually _seemed_ like a good guy. And he also seemed like he…he actually cared about Kara. Granted, yesterday, on the double date, there had been moments that Darryl was tense, but honestly… Was there a non-tense moment during those excruciating hours? Because he honestly didn’t think so. But even through all that Darryl attempted to join the conversations, to get rid of the awkwardness in the air, and he never left Kara’s side _once._ He’d basically been glued to her, listening to her, laughing at even her stupidest jokes, and Mon-El… He couldn’t help being jealous about that. He couldn’t help wanting to be in Darryl’s place, hugging Kara, holding her hand, smiling at her, kissing her… And then he felt _horrible_ for feeling jealous, because he really didn’t have that right. Not when he was standing in front of her with his boyfriend. And… And not when Kara had this amazing person as her boyfriend. He should’ve been happy for her. He should’ve been happy that she’d found someone amazing, and yet he was here, in the alien bar, staring at his club soda as if it could answer all his questions.

Well, he had been staring at his club soda, until he heard someone literally plop down on the seat across from him. He didn’t have it in him to lift his head and actually come back to reality, so he instead opted to glance at the person. Through his club soda. But even then there was still no mistaking the huge grin the man had on his face. And even if Mon-El couldn’t recognize him then, he definitely would after the man literally pushed the club soda out of the way to reveal himself.

Winn.

“Hey, buddy!” Winn said, probably a bit too cheerfully to Mon-El’s liking, as he took a sip from what seemed like a beer. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” Mon-El snorted at that as he returned back to staring at the table absentmindedly, trying to ignore the way his heart cracked in his chest.

“I had nowhere else to go,” he stated as blankly as possible, trying not to wince at how pathetic that sounded. “And staying at the DEO felt too depressing.”

As if what he was doing right now wasn’t depressing.

And seeing Winn’s smile falter at that definitely didn’t help with his mood.

“Okay, wow, that got serious fast,” the man muttered under his breath, earning a glare from Mon-El. Yet he continued as if he didn’t see it at all. “Can I just guess, off the top of my head you know, that this…whole thing is about Kara?” Mon-El just snuggled up more into his arms with those words and pursed his lips. Somehow, he hated how Winn could see right through him as if he was transparent.

“And Darryl,” he added as an answer to Winn’s words, a sigh leaving his lips. He forced himself to keep his face blank and not show the pain churning in his stomach. He still didn’t miss the way Winn grimaced at that.

“Uh-oh. I feel like this double date thingy didn’t go well?” Mon-El snorted as he finally managed to lift his head, but this time he leaned back on his chair and slumped down to it, feeling all his strength dissipate. He wrapped one hand around his club soda and traced the mouth of the glass with his thumb.

“What do you think?” His voice sounded dry even to his ears. He sighed again, scratching his cheek, before shaking his head. “Even Paul, who is literally the most cheerful person I’ve met in my life, confessed that it was one hell of an awkward and uncomfortable date.” Guilt hit him like a pang as he ducked his chin. “No wonder we broke up after that.” He grimaced again as the conversation he had with Paul came to his mind. He didn’t even want to remember that.

Yet it seemed like Winn was interested in it, because his ears perked up at those words. He placed his beer on the table as he leaned forward, his eyes intently watching his friend. “What did you just say?” he asked, his voice almost too thin. Mon-El couldn’t help arching his brow.

Why would Winn be so excited about the prospect of him ending his relationship with Paul?

When he couldn’t find a satisfying answer to that question, he instead decided to be honest. “I broke up with Paul,” he repeated himself, running his fingers through his hair. “After the date… Paul asked me if I loved Kara, and… I couldn’t lie. Not that I think he’d believe it if I said no. He’d claimed that my feelings were written oh-so-clearly on my face.” His shoulders slumped at that thought as he rested his elbows on the table, taking his head in his hands. “And now I’m back to square one. I’d…I’d accepted to go out with Paul so that I could forget Kara, but not only it obviously didn’t work, it also made me realize that I’ll never be able to love anyone in the way that I love her.” He was so focused on his words, so focused on just babbling them out as if someone had opened the tap of his mind, that he didn’t notice the small smile spreading on Winn’s face. “But she’s with…with _Darryl,_ who’s just an all out awesome guy, way better than I could ever be, and who obviously cares about Kara too. So why would she look at me anyway when she…when she has _him_? He obviously deserves her more than I d—“

“Buddy,” Winn interrupted him when he realized that Mon-El’s voice began to quiver, and reached forward to put a hand on his friend’s arm. Mon-El’s words trailed off and he desperately stared at Winn, who had an almost amused smile on his face.

Great. If even his best friend found his situation amusing, he must’ve messed up real bad.

He was just about to apologize for what he said, but Winn was faster. And, well, he really couldn’t find anything to say when his friend’s words literally rooted him in place, making his mouth drop open.

“Kara broke up with Darryl yesterday.”

_“What?”_ Winn had said those words so naturally, so…genuinely, that Mon-El couldn’t help himself as he choked out that word. But what Winn claimed… It was impossible. It _should_ be impossible. Darryl… Darryl was a good guy, and it seemed like he and Kara were truly comfortable around each other. Besides, if he remembered correctly, they’d been dating for over a month now. Why… Why would they just break up? Why would _she_ break up with someone like that? It didn’t make sense. It didn’t…add up. That was how humans phrased it, right? “How… How do you know?” The question left his mouth without his intention

He’d half expected Winn to laugh as an answer and say he had been joking, but all he did was shrug nonchalantly. “Well, I’d been talking to Eve this afternoon…” A small blush crept up his cheeks at that, especially as he took a sip from his beer. He cleared his throat before continued. “You know, we were talking as _friends…_ nothing else…and she might’ve mentioned a conversation she had with Kara, in which Kara confessed that she and Darryl were no more.” He scrunched up his face at that. “God, that last bit sounded really depressing. How strong is this stuff?” He eyed his beer, and while normally Mon-El would’ve laughed at his small joke, all he could do now was focus on the words his friend had said. _She and Darryl were no more._ That was what he’d said, right? He hadn’t… He wasn’t imagining this.

“Did she…” he started as he lifted his head, trying to crush the hope that had blossomed in his chest. “Did Kara explain…why?” A soft smile appeared on Winn’s face at that.

“I think that’s something you have to find out for yourself,” he said, sounding almost too formal, but then his face morphed into a cheerful expression. “But anyway, J’onn asked me to be at the DEO at about four p.m., and he will kill me if I’m late.” He stood up with those words, staring at his phone and grimacing. At least before he turned to Mon-El. “But seriously,” he continued, “consider my advice. Talk to Kara before it’s too late, okay? I think it might be the best for both of you.” And with that, after a pat on his friend’s shoulder Winn was gone, disappearing at the bar’s exit before Mon-El could pull himself together enough to mutter an answer. He’d barely been able to process Winn’s words, how could anyone except him to come up with something to say?

But still, as he stared at his club soda, as what Winn said finally caught up to him… A smile broke on his face. And for the first time in three weeks, it actually felt genuine.


	6. Making Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!
> 
> I'm so sorry this took me some time to post, but I've been having a really crazy week with my internship and I just couldn't find time to write it. I'M SO SORRY. But, that said.....here's where this story comes to a close! I'm gonna be honest, I really enjoyed writing this, not being able to keep myself from smiling at some parts (Woodsley, anyone?) so I hope that you've enjoyed reading it just as much. 
> 
> Love you all!
> 
> P.s. A shoutout to Schottmacher shippers out there. Hope you like this chapter ;)

**_21 st of November , 2016_ **

“So,” Kara muttered to the voice recorder, stretching out the word, as she kicked her feet up on the couch. She stared at the ceiling for a couple of seconds before she continued. “I broke up with Darryl yesterday. Which, if you think about it, wasn’t much of a surprise. I mean, I… I don’t know if you could see it, but it…it really wasn’t going anywhere for me.” She couldn’t help sighing as she rubbed her forehead. For an alien that claimed she never got sick, she definitely had a horrible headache since the previous night, ever since… Ever since she had to break up with Darryl. She knew it had been the right thing to do, she knew she shouldn’t have even started the relationship in the first place, but…but she’d been a bit too late. And now, not only she’d lost her chance with Mon-El, he…he was also together with someone else, someone _amazing,_ and there was nothing she could do about it.

“You know, I shouldn’t have accepted to go out with him in the first place,” she continued, trying to laugh, but it sounded way too strangled. It was an effort not to wince at that. “I just… I just wanted to feel something other than hollowness and…pain, and…and Darryl offered me that. Not because… Not because I was in love with him, but he was…he was something new. He didn’t know about my past or…or you, Mon-El. He didn’t look at me pitifully, he didn’t think I needed help, he didn’t know that my world had crumbled down around me when you left and I was trying so desperately to piece it together. He… He looked at me like I was a normal woman, and I…I needed that. I guess I needed that so badly that I didn’t… I didn’t think about the consequences. I didn’t think that we would never work in long term, that I would never fall for him in the way that I…that I fell for you, and I would only end up hurting him.” She bit her lip to blink her tears away. Rao, she was so sick of crying. She’d thought she’d be out of tears by this morning, considering she’d cried almost all night, but nope. They still seemed to come.

“I’m… I’m sorry that it took you coming back and…and going out with someone else for me to see that. I should’ve known, and I’m sorry. It was… It was all my fault.” She stared at the voice recorder for a couple of seconds as if it could give her the answer, yet all it did was blinking its red light, indicating that it was on. She almost wanted to fling it to the wall until she realized it wasn’t to blame for _her_ ridiculousness. “I don’t know why I’m telling this to a damn voice recorder and not you. I don’t even know why I keep recording these messages when you’re here and I can talk to you. But… But you’re with…Paul now.” She had to swallow hard to get herself together at that. “He’s…an amazing guy, and it seems like… It seems like you two are really happy together. And you deserve to be happy without…without burdening yourself with my feelings. They are my burden to bear, not—“ Her words were cut with the ringing of her cell phone. She was so focused on the recording that she jumped in her place briefly, at least until she realized what was happening. She almost threw the voice recorder on the couch, of course after remembering to turn it off, before reaching for her phone. She didn’t even bother looking at the name as she answered and plopped her head down on her pillow all over again.

“Hello?” Even she could hear the hollowness behind her voice, but at this point she didn’t have it in her to pretend to be okay. She wasn’t even close to being okay, and it was just…it was just too tiring to pretend like it. Which was probably why Winn’s absolutely cheerful voice caught her a bit off guard.

“Hey, Kara! And here I was beginning to think you weren’t gonna answer.” Kara arched her brow as she slowly lifted herself off the couch, not missing how Winn was slurring his words, albeit slightly. She narrowed her eyes.

“Winn?” she said suspiciously, pushing away a strand of her hair that fell on her face. “Have you been drinking?” There was a pause one second too long before Winn answered.

“Nooooo,” he stretched out the word, and Kara couldn’t help snorting at that, despite the loving smile on her face. Winn sighed defeatedly after a couple of seconds. “I drank one beer, I swear. That’s it. _One beer_.” Kara couldn’t help laughing at his defense, despite her situation, at least until another giggle her superhearing caught made her freeze on her spot. She straightened up her shoulders.

She hadn’t heard it wrong, right? A giggle that sounded too much like it belonged to a girl came from the phone? “Did someone just giggle next to you?” she asked as she pressed the phone to her ear. “Winn, are you on a date right now?” She couldn’t help it as her heart skipped a beat at that. It had been some time her friend broke off his relationship with Lyra, and ever since then he’d been complaining, half-jokingly, about being all alone with all those couples around him. Especially after Kara started going out with Darryl too. She’d been hoping for a long time, when she wasn’t moping over Mon-El’s loss, that he’d find someone else…and it seemed like he did. Not that there was anything wrong with being single too, but Winn was always fond of relationships, and she just wanted her friend to be happy.

That was why the corner of her lips kicked up when he tried to lie. “No,” he said, and she could almost see him in front of her, his brows knitted, trying to come up with an excuse. “It wasn’t… It wasn’t a giggle. I mean, the giggle didn’t come from next to me. It was… It was the girl sitting on the table across from me. Yep. That was it.” He’d changed the topic so fast after that that Kara had to press her hand over her lips to keep herself from laughing. “Anyway, I didn’t call you to discuss my date. I mean, the one that I’m definitely _not_ on right now!”

This time, Kara was 100% sure she’d heard a girl laugh from _right next to Winn’s phone._ Yet she ignored it as her friend continued talking. “I called to ask whether you talked to Mo—um, I mean, Mike. Yep. What I meant to say was whether you talked to Mike or not.”

And with that her mood had gone down anyway, all thoughts about Winn’s possible girlfriend—or why he was using Mon-El’s human name and not his real name—leaving her mind. She groaned and dropped her head, burying her face in her hand. Couldn’t Winn just not have brought up Mon-El? But of course he did, because just like literally _everyone_ in her life, he was worried about her, and just like everyone in her life, he thought she should definitely talk to Mon-El. And she so did not want to talk about this subject again.

“Why did you have to bring him up again, Winn? I told you I didn’t want to talk about this like, five hours ago. In the DEO. Remember?” She opened her eyes and tried to keep herself from squeezing the phone too harshly. She was hoping that would get Winn to drop the subject…but instead he answered so nonchalantly that she almost wanted to face-palm herself again.

“Yeah, but that was before I found out that you broke up with Darryl. And by the way, it _is_ kind of a bummer that I heard it from Eve and not my, um, what do you call it? Best friend?”

“I was going to tell you—“ Kara started to defend herself, until her voice trailed off when she realized what exactly Winn had said. “Wait, you talked to Eve about me? Why were you talking to Eve?” As far as she remembered, the two barely worked together for a week or two before Winn started his job at the DEO, and they hadn’t been really close back then. Though granted, she hadn’t really been paying attention to the lives of people around her for the last couple of months—it wasn’t that she didn’t care about them, it was just hard to hear how _happy_ everyone else was when she felt like she was drowning—so who knew?

But before she could question Winn, he changed the subject.

“Not important right now. What’s important is whether you talked to Mike or not.” Kara didn’t even have time to object to that when she heard a smile in his voice. “So, did you guys talk?”

It took her some time to decide what to say to that before she gave up, her shoulders slumping. “No,” she groaned as she dropped herself back on the couch, resting her head on the pillow. “There’s nothing to talk about between us, Winn.”

She wanted to roll her eyes at her dry attempt at lying. And of course Winn had seen through that immediately. She could hear him take a sip from something—she truly hoped it wasn’t alcohol—before he started talking. “See, I beg to differ. It might just be me, but I think he deserves to know that your relationship status is now single. Oh, and that you still are pretty much in love with him.” Kara grimaced at the nonchalance and mischief in her voice, especially as she slammed her hand over her forehead.

“I can’t, Winn!” she almost yelled, desperation tinting her voice. She continued before he could say anything else. “I had my chance, I could be with him, and I blew it. And now…now he’s with Paul, and I don’t want to get in the way of their relationship. It wouldn’t be fair, not after—“

“Kara,” Winn cut in, his voice so determined and… _amused_ that Kara couldn’t help it as her voice trailed off. “Mike broke up with Paul yesterday.”

Kara shot up from the couch so quickly at those words that the blanket over her fell to the floor. She was pretty sure her hair looked like a ball of mess around her head, especially with the sudden movement, yet she didn’t even have it in her to smooth the strands.

Not after what Winn said. Not after he claimed and Mon-El and Paul were over. That was what he’d said, right? She wasn’t hallucinating all of this, or she hadn’t fallen asleep on the couch and was dreaming?

“What?” she managed to choke out seconds later, afraid that if she said anything more, if she questioned Winn’s words, they would turn out to be not true. Yet Winn… He just laughed at that.

“You heard me. Mike broke up with Paul. In fact, he even told me that he’d only started dating the guy to forget about you, but it seems like that was a fruitless attempt.” Kara could almost hear him slam his hand over his mouth. “Oh my God, I so should not have said that.” A girl’s laugh came from the phone then, a laugh that was way too familiar to Kara, this time followed by words.

“Yeah, way to go, Winn.” A part of Kara’s brain recognized the voice as belonging to Eve—and if it was any different situation, she would be freaking out over it—yet she was way too distracted to pay attention to that. Even as Eve continued. “But anyway, did she talk to Mike? Did they make up?”

“Shut up, Eve!” Kara distinctly heard Winn say at that. _Eve._ So it _was_ Eve next to Winn!

Kara noted in her mental notepad to talk to her friend about it as soon as possible, at least after she sorted through the Mon-El subject. Right now, she was way too distracted to think anything else.

“Winn, are you sure?” she found herself asking, swinging her legs down the couch and grabbed onto the cushions underneath her to steady herself. She could hear the shakiness in her voice as she continued. “Are you sure that was what Mon-El said? That he… That he ended things with Paul because…” She couldn’t continue, but Winn’s sigh was answer enough. He almost sounded exasperated as he answered her question.

“Yes, Kara. He broke up with Paul because he liked you. And I so shouldn’t have had this conversation with you while I was drunk. Mo—Mike will _kill_ me.” Kara could feel her heart slamming against her ribs at that as she stared at the coffee table in front of her absentmindedly. _He broke up with Paul because he liked you._ The words kept circling around in her head, filling her with more and more hope every passing second…until she realized what she had to do. She’d jumped to her feet before she could get too scared about the notion and back out.

“I need to do something,” she whispered to herself more than Winn, yet she could almost feel the smile forming on his face. “I need… I need to see Mon-El.”

“See, that’s my girl! I knew you could do it. Now get your butt out of that house and go see Mike before it’s too late.” Kara could only gulp and nod at that, barely being able to find her voice.

“I will,” she whispered. That was the last thing she said before she ended the call, though she didn’t miss Winn’s last words.

“Oh, come on, Eve. You know I didn’t mean it as _my girl_ my girl…”

She decided to think about that later as she grabbed her bag that she’d thrown over the kitchen island and rushed to the door, throwing it open…

Only to come face to face with the person she was planning to see in the first place. She felt air leave her lungs at the unexpectedness of the situation as her heart rate picked up, and honestly, considering how fast it had already been beating, she’d thought it was impossible.

But in her defense, Mon-El was standing right in front of her, his hand lifted up as if he was planning to knock, staring at her with a dumbfounded expression. His lips were even parted, which did not help with her focus at all.

His name left her lips almost breathlessly. “Mon-El,” she gasped as her bag slipped off of her fingers and fell to the floor with a thump. Yet she could barely hear it because of the ringing in her ears. A ringing that repeated over and over again, _he’s here, he’s here, he’s here._ She could only pull herself together when she heard him speak.

“Kara,” he whispered with a low voice, snapping his mouth shut. Kara felt something flutter in her chest at the way he said her name, as if…as if it was the most important thing in the world for him. She didn’t know how much she missed him saying her name like that until now, until it washed over her and made her realize… Winn’s words were true. Mon-El… He did like her. He still loved her; even after she’d messed up horrible he _loved_ her.

She felt tears fill her eyes at that realization, and that was what made her finally snap out of her thoughts. She opened her mouth before Mon-El could say anything. “I’m sorry.” Her voice was choked with the tears she was so desperately trying to blink away. Needless to say, it wasn’t working.

She could see the understanding and sympathy filling Mon-El’s gray-blue eyes. “Kara, you don’t—“ he started, but she didn’t let him get far as she continued. She shook her head.

“Yes, I do,” she whispered, wiping away a tear furiously. She whirled around and walked into her house to get herself together. Mon-El entered and closed the door behind him a couple of seconds later.

It took some time for Kara to gather her courage and turn to him. “I was so horrible to you,” she whispered, shaking her head, “and don’t say that I wasn’t. I…I made you think that you weren’t important enough for me to wait for you, that I could move on from you so easily, when it…when it wasn’t the truth.” She had to swallow hard at that, forcing herself to form coherent sentences. Because Winn had been right. Mon-El… He deserved to know just how much she cared about him.

He didn’t say anything as she took a deep breath, lifting her eyes to look into his. “Because I never moved on from you. Not really, at least.” She wasn’t even sure he was breathing as she took a step forward, fidgeting with her fingers. Her heart was thundering in her chest so fast that she felt almost light-headed. “I missed you so much, Mon-El, to the point that…that I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to go on with my life without you, and…and having all those people around me that looked at me with pity, that walked on egg shells around me, that knew my world had stopped turning the moment you left… It was tiring. Having that on top of my own pain was just…tiring.” She stopped for a second at that, trying to gauge his reaction, yet his expression was so unreadable. She tried to ignore that as she took off her glasses, putting them in her back pocket with shaky fingers. “That was why I accepted to go out with Darryl,” she continued, her voice strained with unshed tears. “Not because I forgot about you or…I didn’t love you anymore. He just… He was the only one that didn’t look at me like I was broken, and I think I needed that. I needed it so much that I…I couldn’t think that Darryl would be nothing more than a friend for me, that I would never love him, at least…at least not in the way that I love… _you_.”

This time, she was pretty sure she’d heard Mon-El inhaling sharply. She lifted her gaze to look at him, only to see his wide eyes watching her. A small smile pulled her lips as her vision blurred with her tears. She sounded a bit more confident when she repeated the words. “I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you, Mon-El, even when I thought there was no way you could come back. And I’m…” She had to clear her throat to get rid of the hoarseness in her voice. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner and that I…I hurt you, but…it’s the truth. I love you.” She held her breath, waiting for him to speak, to say something, but for a couple of seconds all he did was stare at her. She could feel her heart rate speeding up with the stretching silence, at least until she saw him shake his head and step forward. And even though there was still a couple of feet of distance between them, she couldn’t help it as air got caught in her throat.

“Kara, I understand,” he started, his hands tucked into his pockets. His words were laced with such honesty that she felt something break in her heart. Rao, he was just…he was so understanding all the time, even when she’d messed up badly, that it almost seemed unbelievable. But that was just who Mon-El was. He never blamed her for anything or held anything against her.

She felt herself shaking her head as she clasped her hands together.

“Mon-El, you don’t have to pretend like what I did was okay,” she whispered, ducking her chin. “Because it wasn’t. I…I messed up.” She couldn’t lift her eyes as shame churned in her stomach, not even when she heard Mon-El softly chuckle and step forward again. It was only when she felt his fingers on her chin, pushing up, that she looked at him again. There was amusement twinkling in his eyes as he smiled at her.

“Yes, you did,” he agreed with a small nod. Kara didn’t even have it in her to glare at him for that, not when her heart was thundering in her chest. She could only stare at his eyes, those gray-blue orbs that were filled with happiness and love, as he continued. “But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t understandable. I mean…” He scratched his cheek uncomfortably. “You weren’t the only one trying to move on by dating someone else.” He looked so sheepish saying that, his eyes flickering around the room and looking at anywhere except her, that a smile pulled her lips. She arched her brow.

“Yeah, Paul, right?” she mused, causing him to shoot a glare at her. She chuckled lightly and shook her head. “Don’t worry, I’m…I’m not judging you for that. It’s not like I have that right. Well…” The smile on her face widened when she saw the almost panicked look on his face. “Except the fact that I had no idea you were attracted to men too, which is something we definitely need to talk about.” The panic on Mon-El’s face subsided a bit, yet he still ducked his chin and cleared his throat awkwardly. He looked so cute when he was flustered that it was an effort not to laugh.

“Yeah. That,” he muttered under her breath quietly. Kara found herself chuckling this time as she ducked her chin to catch his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He opened his mouth at first, and even from his face Kara could tell that he was trying to come up with an excuse. But when their gazes met…she saw something crumble in his eyes. His shoulders slumped as he tucked his hands in his pockets.

“I just… I’ve seen online that earthlings weren’t really a fan of…of people that were into both guys and girls. Bisexuals…I think it’s called. And I just… I didn’t want to lose you because of it.” Kara felt her stomach drop at that. Now it made more sense why Mon-El was so reluctant for her to know about Paul, or was so uncomfortable when she was around him and his ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t just because he still loved her. Well, okay, it was probably a part of it, but not the whole story. He… He was also scared that she wouldn’t accept him for who he was.

He couldn’t be more wrong. And now, looking at him, Kara truly wanted to heat-vision every single person that ever made him doubt himself.

She didn’t even hesitate as she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He was caught so off guard that he couldn’t help it as he lifted his head to look at her. “Mon-El, I don’t care if you’re straight or bisexual, okay? I mean, of course it’s important, but it will never change my feelings for you.” She stroked his cheek softly and flashed him a smile. “Whether you’re attracted to only girls, or you’re attracted to guys too, it doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re the man I’ve fallen in love with. Besides, it would be really unfair to stop loving you for something that you have no control over.”

Kara felt her heart swell when she saw the tears filling his eyes at that. “Really?” he whispered in such a low voice that something cracked in her chest. She nodded without hesitation.

“Really,” she answered before reaching up, pressing her lips on his. It was a tender kiss, nothing too passionate, more like…more like a sweet promise that they were together now, that they’d forgiven each other for their mistakes and they were ready to move forward. She felt a smile form on her face when she felt Mon-El’s eyes flutter close. And that smile hadn’t disappeared, not even when she pulled back and rested her forehead against his, not even when she tightened her grip around his neck, not even when she savored the feeling of being in his arms.

“I love you,” she said without hesitation, opening her eyes to look at him. She was happy to see that a smile was forming on his face and it wasn’t self-doubt she was seeing. His eyes fluttered open a couple of seconds later.

“I love you too,” he mumbled back, twirling a strand of her hair between his fingers as he flashed her a loving grin. Kara felt her heart flutter in her chest, ready to burst from happiness.

She didn’t fight it when Mon-El pulled her into another kiss, his arms holding her waist tightly and not letting her move away. Not that she wanted to move away. In fact… She was more than willing to be in his embrace as she let herself get lost in the kiss.

* * *

**_22 nd of November , 2016_ **

Kara woke up to the faint sound coming from the living room, a voice that sounded like someone talking. She tried to blink away her sleep as she pushed the blanket off of herself and looked at the time.

Seeing that it was 10:30 almost made her jump out of her bed…until she realized that it was Saturday and she had a day off from CatCo. So instead she plopped back down on the bed, a smile playing on her face…until her mind started to register the voices coming from the living room.

_“…It’s been seven weeks and three days since you left.”_ Her eyes snapped open the moment realization hit her. It was her voice. Well, okay, it was a slightly electronic version of her voice, but it was expected since it was coming from a voice recorder. _Her_ voice recorder, in which she’d recorded her messages for… _Mon-El._

Mon-El!

She shot up from the bed, her gaze turning to his side, only to find it empty. Which could only mean…

_“And it still… It still hurts like hell.”_ The voice coming from the living room distracted Kara again. She could feel her heart slamming against her ribs as she swung her legs down the bed. No. _No._ Mon-El… He couldn’t have found the voice recorder, right? Yes, she knew she’d recorded all those voicemails for him, but it was…it was more than that. She hadn’t just told him how much she loved him and missed him in them. She’d told her secrets, insecurities, pains, angers…all kinds of personal stuff that she couldn’t share with anyone. Not even Mon-El, if she didn’t want him to find out just how _broken_ she’d been.

She jumped to her feet the moment she heard the voicemail continue. _“You know, you would guess that it gets better in time, that’s what everyone says, but it—“_

She must’ve stomped into the living room so harshly that Mon-El literally jumped in his spot on the couch, dropping the voice recorder on the floor, which must’ve turned off with the impact. She felt almost breathless as she stared at him.

“What are you doing?” she blurted out as she tentatively stepped forward, her eyes falling onto the recorder that was resting right by Mon-El’s feet. At first she’d assumed he’d deny he was listening to it, but when she looked up, only to see tears brimming in his eyes… Her words got caught in his throat. He took the voice recorder from the floor, his gaze never leaving hers.

“Kara,” he whispered as he stood up, and she could almost hear the pain in his voice. She wanted to face-palm herself. How could she have forgotten that she’d left the recorder on her couch? Granted, she was really, _really_ excited to be back together with Mon-El, but still… She should’ve thought about it. She should’ve realized it, damn it, before he could find the device and…and listen to the voicemails. She—

“What are these?” he asked as he lifted the recorder in his hand. She was frozen, not being able to do anything other than staring at him, her heart slamming against her ribs…at least until she saw him attempting to press the button to turn it on. She’d rushed forward so fast that it’d surprised even her.

“Nothing!” she exclaimed as she closed the distance between her and Mon-El using her superspeed, grabbing the device from him before he could stop her. He was so shocked that she really didn’t think he could do anything anyway. She pressed it over her chest as she tried to take a step back. “It’s no—“

“Kara.” She was forced to stop when she felt Mon-El’s hand over her elbow, rooting her in place. She expected him to look at her pitifully, so much so that she’d prepared to put up her defensive walls, but the only thing in his eyes was… _understanding._ Yes, there was sadness and pain too, but they didn’t come from thinking how _broken_ she was. They came from _knowing_ and _understanding_ how she must’ve felt when he was gone, and feeling _sad_ because she had to go through it. Her own tears filled her eyes as he continued. “Talk to me.”

His voice was so deep, so hoarse that she found her resolve breaking. Her eyes fell over to the voice recorder that was still pressed tightly on her chest, and slowly…slowly she loosened her grip. She didn’t have the strength to look up at him even as she opened his mouth.

“I didn’t want to accept that you were gone forever,” she whispered, her finger brushing the surface of the recorder softly. “And… And recording these…voicemails, pretending like you were still there and I could talk to you… It made me feel like you were still with me. Even for a couple of moments, you weren’t gone forever, and…” That was only when she found enough courage to look up at him. “And I needed that. I needed to…to feel like you were with me.” He looked so dumbfounded for a couple of seconds that he couldn’t say anything. Kara could almost hear the beating of her heart in the silence.

She turned her eyes away again when she felt a tear slipping down her cheek. Shaking her head, she attempted to step back. “It was… It was ridiculous, I know. I—“ She stopped when she felt two hands cupping her cheeks, almost forcing her to look up at Mon-El again. The smile on his face almost caught her off guard.

“I would’ve done the same thing,” he whispered. Kara felt her heart skip a beat with those words, something…something she never thought he’d say. She thought he’d judge her for being so damn weak, for not being able to let her go, but the…the _understanding_ behind his words… “In fact, I…I may have done a similar thing.” She couldn’t do anything as he moved to his jacket, which he’d draped behind a chair, and took out a notebook from the inside pocket. His cheeks were almost flushed red as he cleared his throat. He extended it to Kara.

She couldn’t help arching her brow as she took it tentatively, flipping to the first page. And she felt herself freeze.

_Kara,_

_You know, I can guess what you would say if you could see me writing this right now. And if I have to be honest with you, I agree. It’s pointless to talk—or write—this to you when there’s a good chance you will never be able to read this. I should probably be doing more useful things, like trying to live up to my promise to be a hero. But I can’t stop thinking about you. And I remember you telling me that sometimes writing your emotions help, so I thought… Why not give it a shot? That was what they said on earth, right?_

She only looked up when the words blurred because of her tears. She could feel that her lips were parted in surprise as she searched his face. “Mon-El, this is…” She lacked the words to explain how she was feeling. Luckily, Mon-El flashed her an understanding smile at that and shrugged.

“I wanted to feel close to you, too.” Her heart swelled with those words and the genuineness behind them. She found herself wrapping her arms around his shoulder and pulling him close before she could even think about the movement. She felt him shudder in her embrace as he hugged her back, burying his face to the crook of her neck.

He could only speak a couple of seconds later. “You never forgot about me?” he asked, his voice so low that Kara was sure she wouldn’t be able to hear it if she was human. A hearty laugh left her lips at that. She ran her fingers through his hair.

“Never,” she promised it, pressing her lips to his cheekbone. There was no way to suppress the smile on her face.

And if they spent the rest of the day on the couch, Mon-El listening to Kara’s voice recordings and she reading his journal, she would blame him for bringing up the voicemails and starting the whole thing. But she really didn’t mind, not when she couldn’t remember a day, ever since he left, that she laughed as much as she did that day.


End file.
